Being Bipolar isn't EASY

and the Art of Slowing it Down

Tag Archives: Luck

I yield to God

Warning: The following is highly personal & daily LOVE from one of many fearless leaders blogging today

I yield to God or at least I think I can. How well or not well one knows one another has little bearing in SM (Social Media) IMO. Matters little where care/concern, voices/truths are expressed/considered. But alas there in lies my problem with the crickets (I LOVE your hearts): so much is wasted largely on part of keeping up with the Jone’s and FOMO (fear of missing out).

It’s a much more powerful tool than we allow. Try as I might to make it a better tool. A tool that I both need and want. A complete luxury, I am aware WordPress. You have my permission to go ahead & crown ME.

But ppl, you ppl, are so much better than Google in a land with few Western or English resources. I post here to work things out and am most grateful that you listen but I’d really like to chat more with you; listen to your advice.

Maybe look at my naivety this way? ATM moment for all intents and purposes I am nobody & have done little. I might have 1000 friends/followers between FB, IG & WP – some are duplicates – and that’s GREAT. Really great!

But Leo, The Nerdy Lion, here is most right!

All my blogging, posts, replies & personal and intimate emails (writing) with friends etc.. have been enough. I have found my Voice. I need not look ANY further.

I have most everything that I need besides your chirping lol and so I declined a suggestion to learn how to speak from the Heart (which I am to do in my writing) by taking a class. I’m just gonna write the fcuking book.

There I said it.

Now I have to do it! <inject utter & daunting fear> MVMB, now I have fear… If you follow me here – you know: vulnerability is my path.

I need not be normal nor popular. And I do not have the desire for approval nor recognition. Certainly nobody needs to give me permission. 🙂

But I do desperately desire to know if what concerns me resonates or makes one think or is supportive. It effects the keeping up with the Jone’s and the FOMO’s – a well known human behavior. But it took me so many years to understand that I do have it, because many of you that I follow here or elsewhere or have read etc. (you get the point) have it! So #thankyou.

I deeply thank you for your existence because, and I quote Dani Shapiro, it’s our job, our responsibility (good word responsibility), perhaps even our sacred calling to take whatever life has handed us.

The Devil is in the (Mental Health) detail, Mies

Don’t ask me why, but (I’m trying to use the word “but” less these days) I prefer to do things the HARD way. The very hard way!

I.e. It wasn’t until most recent years, and I just turned forty-four (44) that I learned to appreciate how our great big beautiful world works. How friends & family, including friends of friends and friends of family, can give you a ‘step up’, help you with that often ever so hard rung on the ladder.

If you can imagine I preferred to do things alone. ME, myself and I. It’s not that I’m not a collaborator. I am. I won’t use a superlative but most creatives need to be… it’s just that I never needed, scratch that – wanted – help. …I should clarify, the type of help that could maybe get one a job that one isn’t really qualified for.

…But now, @44, I am so very over “ME, myself & I” (if you have this/that neurosis – I encourage you to just STOP while your ahead & get over it now too), which brings me to the thought of the evening, It’s 1:04am where I am (I’m drinking coffee), and although I’ve written about the under cover agents/ physicians/ policemen that have haunted me in the past (Note to Reader: Maybe see there have also been angels, including President’s of the United States of America.

Yep!? That’s how bad this sh*t has gotten in the past), that have – are you sitting down? – stalked me. …Ooooooooooh! She just said it?!?!?!!? Ooooooooooh…………. is Princess Marksalot’s next mission to find out who her stalkers were/are?

And RED FLAG! RED FLAG!! …did she just use the word “are”?????


Mr. Remarkable, Honey, if your now on the other side of the world reading this, there’s NO need to panic and hop on a plane to come rescue me as you tried a few short weeks ago, but it’s true. Very true.

You may as well know THE TRUTH! I am so broken that ever since the very beginning in the Nation’s Capitol when I ran into George Washington Hospital, was it?, kicking & screaming “Protect ME, Protect my family”… you know the drill (Reader’s I elude to that fateful day often here in my posts) all of my MAJOR EPISODES and I guess very small ones, like we are experiencing now revolve around me being stalked.

Yes, that’s a fighting word. And a pretty legal term at that! It’s just that it breaks my heart to report that since that Labor Day weekend in 1999 or whatever (I can’t be bothered to cross-check & be most accurate ATM) …if I comes up in a Court of Law, I have the year. I remember the faces. The pendant… not!

Sadly, I CANNOT remember that pendant AND I desperately want to!!! The Activist & ever so Fashionista in me WANTS to wear a “pendant” of her own.

If I were a betting woman, I’d say it was GOLD! Solid gold. Every pun intended. (Note to reader: At the very least, I’d like to recover the DIY stained glass that I painted while talking to the pendant; I mean Art Support Staff. …like that’s ever gonna happen.)

But I digress. I’m not going to share my secret’s/ connections/ links via psychotic associations ATM, maybe not publically nor privately maybe not ever – a girl’s gotta hold onto something – rather (notice how I didn’t say “but” – insert grin) poke around here if your interested. Dappled in this blog are myriads of sites that I follow. Love Wiki. And/or some of my Hero’s, big & small – known and unkown.

Outside of these pictures that I often pilfer off the Internet, to visually articulate the title of my posts, I try very hard to give credit where credit is due.

That said. This, above, is a picture of my own. You can tell by the fingerprints. :) By the lot of marks. Ha! That’s a stretch. …Marksalot. I crack myself up & can be so v unintentionally cryptic. A beautiful ‘invisible single display book shelf’ from Barnes & Noble for less than 4USD.

Sadly, if you want one (1) of your own, you’ll have to run to the nearest store – as they were marked down 75% in the gift section in recent months.

It is a great way to make utterly beautiful Art. One just has to spend their money on the books! How very clever and poetic is the man/woman that came up with the idea. I hope he/she is absofuckinglutely rich by now. I have that their muse is wealthy…

I managed to acquire four (4). For ME. The lucky ME!

For a set of Edward Tufte’s four (4) graphic related books. Four (4) of these Saw somewhere; too tired to look for the link tonight but somewhere the Tufte organization makes a recommendation for his top four (4) best sellers, I guess.

Must publish this now & order them right quick! My mama wants me to “go back to bed”!?!?!?!? <insert sigh> She’s right.

Peace out people. /\

Everything is NOT enough

So, get this? 

After ten (10) plus years I was hospitalized, again!? And all because Mr. Remarkable was in China. By no fault of our own, we’ve been involuntarily separated since mid July?! So as you can see, my husband wasn’t around to see me slip, in person. I don’t intend to offend anyone, but make light like a feather, as in the looney bin for 5 (five) days!?!?!?!?!?!? <insert a BIG frown> 

And so, here – with this photo (he was so v nice to comply), I take/took back my power! I did not “unite”/bond really with any of the other mentally ill patients. Was afraid to talk to them, really. Gather I shouldn’t say that! But most were hearing voices & secluded themselves to their, shared, rooms. It was really REALLY sad.

You can trust however that I did try to reach many. But they were fairly unreachable!?!? Did I mention that it was sad? Entirely depressing…

I did however meet a REALLY stand up guy! David. (Note to reader: I think it okay to use his real name here – in case he ever reads this, although it’s against my blogwide policy.) Trust, I’ll never see him again!! Which is really hard b/c like I said: he was a really stand up guy. Caught in a similar, but not, situation at the same time in Seven Hills (Las Vegas) to detox. It was serendipitous. 

Mental Health institutions (is a Psychiatric Hospital an institution?) are tricky and although I’d like to help him along his recovery, I cannot. It would have been selfish of me to leave a call back number when I called to say “it was nice meeting you”. Even though I do need friends, that I can touch, while here on an extended holiday in Las Vegas. 

God help me make friends in Las Vegas!? It’d be good to get out of the house more often…

But, I digress. David, if your listening, I respect & admire you! Your (bipolar) mom should be proud. I pray that giving up the sauce will unite you more intimately with others. Alcoholism is an albeit common but more importantly lonely disease. Hence the problem, I gather. I pray that your estranged twenty (20) something year old daughter let’s you in. Try to get in? I imagine that part of your rehabilitation is for your relationship w/ her?? Operative word, your! You gotta do this for yourself! 

Finally, I’ll close by saying: (Chopra is often right.)  I trust if you look for God in other, healthier/wealthier, places you’ll find him or her. Good luck! Xx

Call ME Cliff


Pippi not working for you? So, Call ME Cliff!

When I met my husband on my ID was “Call ME Cliff”. What his was doesn’t matter it wasn’t nearly as… foretelling. (Note to reader: Today I just call him Roadblock!?!?) The nickname was coined by one of my previous boyfriends on a day that my patience wore thin with grocery store or fast food restaurant clerks behind cash registers.

For me it was a red flag; i.e. “you don’t want to mess with this one” – I wasn’t looking for love, I was just looking to get out of my parents house but my now husband, and gratefully only third (3rd) date, was totally fooled by the fitted pink dress that I wore to our first date. It’s actually a very funny story that I may someday find an avenue to share here but for now, let’s do what I love to do here in this blog, and back up the message in this post with support from the Huffington Post! Kindly read:

I didn’t just stumble upon this but a ‘friend’ posted it on Facebook recently and I really found it so very thought provoking that I too wanted to SHARE somewhere where it mattered. I read it in the morning but by nightfall it had me thinking a lot about the nurture side of my “bipolar” issues.

Note to reader: You may have to do some brain crunches & twists to catch up with me but in my minds eye the article could easily have been written about people with mental illnesses. As I couldn’t agree more that AA is so very helpful for alcoholic souls as I believe it is in AA that they get the connection/ attention they have/ had been missing.

By the grace of God I got my connection/ attention at birth! Compared to other stories that I have heard, especially stories from the mentally ill in Psychiatric Wards, I really had an idyllic childhood. My Mom was a stay-at-home-mum (SAHM) and my Dad took each of us girls out on Daddy-daughter dates as often as his job could afford. Some of my favorite memories are of the magic environment that my Mom created in our home at Christmas through her incessant obsession with decorating our home around the holidays. Another is getting fresh bagel’s with my Dad on Sunday mornings, can’t recall if that was before or after church…

That said, my parents may have uprooted our family a great deal and really upset my primary school education by moving from place to place but I think that I turned out all right. Even my older sister turned out all right and she went to five (5) high schools.

I may have lost best friend after best friend during those formative years and started retaliating by smoking cigarettes at twelve (12) behind the roller rink but I finally found one (1) best friend that has stuck through all my relocations for the last twenty-six (26) years and I have much healthier ways to cope with stress today; screw the yoga if I am honest at any given moment I just reach for Facebook instead of a cigarette. Lol; I should carry my mat around town with me and practice more yoga!

But back to my family & the environment that my parents afforded ME.

Moving may have been disruptive but in retrospect I see that as a result from bouncing place to place I became independent and self-reliant because I had a safe haven at home, wherever my home was. My family was always extremely supportive and caring behind the scenes. They were never in my business, nor in my face. They allowed me to take chances and make mistakes and were always there to help pick up the pieces when I dropped the ball or better found an ice pack when I fell on my face.

After I graduated Architecture School, I was not shy about uprooting myself and moving across the country in order to enable my career. These expanded experiences further contributed to being the individual that I am today. I may be acutely idiosyncratic and hyper sensitive, all characteristics which came before my bipolar diagnosis, but I learned that I need not follow the crowd and routinely made/ make my own decisions that are in keeping with being true to ME. All because my upbringing gave me confidence that that was okay; I was always encouraged to aim high and follow my dreams.

And so after graduating with distinction from DAAP, in 1998, I aligned myself with award winning design firms and learned to approach my career with the same grace that my parents raised me. When I was employed as a Project Architect I was sensitive to the client and project demands. In many ways I see that I managed my projects, as I would have a child – with the client’s & their projects best interest not as per my agenda.

But I don’t know if any of this would have made much sense as I grew without my foundation, my faith in God. At a young age I found Jesus, thanks to my Mom dragging me to church every week. My friends and I often went to 7am mass, before school, when we could drive. And as a consequence my Father later converted to Catholicism in small part due to the faith that he saw that I possessed.

If you have been following ME here, you know today my religion is rather nebulous. We have a non-denominational altar at home and I am teaching my son about all the different gods and deities. I am teaching him how to center himself for a few moments, take a few deep breaths and be respectful and grateful to the powers that be. Hell, I am even teaching him how to pray and I am not sure that I really know how to pray anymore. We are making it up as we go along.

My heart goes out to all the mentally ill that weren’t as lucky as I growing up. God knows that I wish that they had it as well as I had it and continue to do so. Further, I so hope that the Huffington Post article gets people started thinking. I hope people: parents, educators, architects and interior designers alike become increasingly more mindful about the environments that they are creating for the generations to come!

If you have not read the Huffington Post article above; please don’t close this window yet but take a minute read it now!!

In My Opinion

IMO had I not told my now husband, a few short weeks after we met, when I was thirty four (34) that I moved back into my parents house to get medicated for & stable with my “BIPOLAR” condition, we might not be together today! You see, I had a vision & a belief that my future could have a different story than the one that I had been living/ struggling with on my own…

Kindly read this article now so that you can appreciate where I am coming from!

Further I might not have been blessed with a child, because I had fertility issues in my late twenties (Note to reader: We were preggers a short six (6) months after marriage.), and I might not live in Macau… Ha! Not that Macau is any great shakes, IMO, but it does afford me the privilege to travel internationally & appreciate the limits of our greater world, first hand.

And that got me reflecting – had I been honest with my employers I a) may have been paid better, Bipolar’s are known for their creativity, or b) I potentially may not have so easily quit & or been fired from many a good job prior to meeting my hub.

All that said, I know how tough it can be! It still took me a good five (5) years later to “come out” to my larger network of family and friends and I still haven’t come out here, behind this blog?!

After Robin Williams suicide, a light bulb went off in my head and it occurred to me that IMO: “honesty IS the best policy” and amazingly I have found in less than a year that I am more comfortable not hiding behind a secret/lie… whichever way you choose to look at it! (Note to reader: Now I believe that not being true to myself and fair to those around me by being an open book was both; a secret & a lie!)

Additionally I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to enjoy the joys of advocacy. I wouldn’t be able to help friends old and new. Some times it is not so obvious but years and years of therapy has taught me how to dissect what’s behind our words and actions. Mind you it’s only my opinion, at the end of the day, but it helps me analytically juggle my interactions and those of others IMO. Lol; are you tiring of all the IMO’s?

Even more importantly perhaps it has made me hypersensitive to my alcohol fetish. I cannot say “alcohol addiction” because I often choose to pair my drink with my food in a very rudimentary non-sommelier way. (Note to reader: If you haven’t read some of my other recent posts, you may want to stop now and read another breaking ground study:

The saddest thing about this reality: “that people living with a mental illness choose not to seek treatment for their disorder due to fear of judgment is the loss” is that it cuts both ways. Loving a person that is mentally unstable may not be the easiest thing to do. IMO they can be less rational, practical, logical, hold grudges longer, literally imagine that the sky is falling when the shit hits the fan but the breakups and the havoc that they wreck on both parties is so very not worth it. Sand bagging relationships is not worth it. Sticking to your guns to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is!

And to think that this very common occurrence could easily be remedied with three (3) simple words: “I am _______.” Here, I challenge you, all of you – clinically unstable or not to fill in the blank. If you can’t I encourage you to write to Encyclopedia Britannica because the world needs to record that there is one “PERFECT” person in this crazy world.

The point here is this: never be ashamed of your _______. It might not be pretty but admitting that you have a _______ might be the first step towards making it work for you. Dig up the courage to look past your limits & listen to Caroline Casey, “being absolutely true to yourself is freedom”. Here I have chosen to share her TED talk:

…I know it may be hard to admit our weaknesses, shortcomings and failures but it’s so very exhausting trying to being perfect. When reality not a single one of us is. IMO we all need therapy. We are all some shade of fucked up. Some of us are just more open and honest about it than others.

It is my hope that you find this post supportive and that its helps give you the ability to believe that you can get past your _______. I hope that ME and my stories encourage you to be yourself! Trust that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

At the end of the day, my message is this, I am glad that I told some random guy that I had barely even kissed in a town that I had no intention of staying in why I was very nervous to be HIS date to his birthday party. What I learned through my sharing is what Caroline Casey learned: “When you make a decision at the right time, in the right place – the Universe makes it happen for you!”

My therapist told me to


My therapist told me to. My therapist told me to write about “my depressed states”?!

And that, that’s a really hard charge because as I have told you, I don’t think that I have it! I didn’t think that I could do it! And then like most things flow; this article came across my path.

You should take a moment to look at it! It’s from Forbes & extremely educating. I read it & realized I am a walking talking high functioning depressed wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, screenwriter, blogger, yoga teacher?!

Now don’t get me wrong, in my long/short life (which is it today?) there’s a lot whole hell of a lot about myself, my life, my family, others that I have had to learn how to accept and turn a compassionate heart towards; you know the kind of things that one doesn’t want said at their wake but just thinking about how beautifully the painting of my life, my family’s life, looks above the fireplace makes me smile… smile on the inside. If you’re a perfectionist, I trust that you know what I mean.

If I am honest, as of late, when I am depressed I withdraw and I rearrange my calendar so that I don’t have to leave the house. I cancel lunch dates, play dates, skip yoga classes… being anti social furthers my depressed state. I neglect exercise, sleep longer than ‘normal’ and thus neglect my morning spiritual rituals. I find myself having too much liquid at lunch and/or at dinner – you know the kind that we don’t serve our kids and thus I gain weight! …gaining weight furthers my depressed state which affects my sex drive which affects my relationship with my husband which only furthers my depressed state… then I get negative, negative about everything.

And I’ve been doing that a lot lately! I haven’t hit rock bottom and jumped on the negative band wagon but if I am not careful, it’s just around the corner!

…don’t get me wrong, I am and am not DEPRESSED I survive because I toggle. I am grateful for this article teaching me about toggling… I am a toggler!

I bounce around between the magic moments. Gratefully I practice gratitude and can find many magic moments that make my life worth living but if I graphed it, it would be a pretty erratic graph. Sometimes, like many bipolars, I can spike several times in one week, but now that I am relatively stable or was fooling myself that I was before I visited with my therapist last week, I usually spike a few times a year.

Note to self: Don’t talk to your therapist about your Screenplay anymore! You didn’t need to know that you are a toggler! ;) … I can see my first meeting now: “Hello, My name is XXX & I am a toggler! I am here because I want to stop toggling!!!”

If that wasn’t enough, fully present & conscious I do things that I know that I don’t want to do, like drink coffee. Bear with me dear reader – it may at first sound like a feeble attempt to fill up this post, even I thought it was a little pathetic when I wrote it, BUT coffee is a BIG dehydrator and false stimulator that I wish that I had access to naturally. I notice when I am off coffee that things like a smile, a hug, yoga, coconut juice or kefir pick me up!

I can’t tell you how many times that I have been in the kitchen, habitually like a robot taking the coffee beans out of the pantry and the grinder out of the cupboard saying to myself: “You don’t really want to do this”… “No, I really want to do this”… “What’s the harm?”… all the while mindlessly hearing the pitter patter of the beans falling against the walls of the grinder?!

See that proves it. I am a toggler! You can only imagine if I toggle with something so small as my coffee drinking that I toggle with much bigger daemons in the closet.

…and here I want to close by saying “Pfew. That felt good! I am glad that I listened to my therapist!” But that would be in part a small lie. As I just found out that I toggle.

I think that this post is a good start to get me thinking about what a BIG role depression plays in my life. I know that I have only scratched the surface of the iceberg, I have much more to brew over – pun intended… Question is what am I going to do about it? There is only so much that Uncle Google can answer!

…I think that I’ll do something super superficial, but all that I am prepared to do now @ 2:44am MT, and vow to not make a pot of coffee today!

An Interview with ME


This is a picture of ME! Can you believe it? After all these years, I am posting a real picture of me, HERE? Caroline Myss’s snap shot, that I posted earlier today (OH wait! That was yesterday…) encouraged me to do it! So, IF you see me on the street, feel free to stop me in my tracks (I like to make tracks) and say hello? I’d love to know what you think about my blog! That said, you still might have to call ME, Princess Marksalot as I am not considering to reveal my real name to the general public until I finish my Screenplay… am thinking that that will be my real debut! Am still tossing some names around for it but it might be called “Being Bipolar isn’t EASY” or bBiE for short… That said, I do intend to share more of my crazy stories one day, they will certainly be in the movie, but as of late it’s been all these posts have been FEEL GOOD… so read on? Get to know ME more intimately?

Who are you? I’m Princess Marksalot; a.k.a. my childhood hero: Pippi! Or you could “Call ME Cliff”, that’s a private joke but I’d probably respond!

Date of Birth? Oh that’s a touchy subject, I’ll give you the year BUT people in my immediate family are super paranoid about identity theft… so suffice it to say, I like to keep them happy & will share, 1973! …I am an OX according to the Chinese Zodiac and a Virgo in the West.

Where do you come from? All over! I was born in Akron then I moved to Germanton (Memphis) at the age of three. I think after that I went to Dallas, then on to Phoenix and New Canaan. My dad was climbing a corporate ladder… which fell out from under him when I started college. During my stint in New Canaan, I was an exchange student in Lisboa… but I digress, I went to college in Cincinnati, DAAP was a great school – don’t know how it ranks today, but when I went t was in the top five (5) for Architecture Schools! During my stint in Ohio again, I was an exchange student in Kobenhaven. (The most beautiful women in the world live in Kobenhaven… note to self, I do not live there!) oh & also New York – how could I forget New York?! I spent most if not all of my co-ops in NYC… After graduating, I moved to New York close to my best friend and my older sister. I fell in love, hard, and followed Scum Lazy-ass Moron, as we will forever refer to him, back to Phoenix. When that fell apart I moved to DC, where I proceeded to loose my mind?! But I loved every second of it! Then to save myself from drowning in my own thunderstorm, I moved to Las Vegas, met my night in shining armor, had a child & begun a life as an expat in Macao (China).

What do you live for? My family. My interests are Architecture, Graphic Design, Photography, cooking, party planning (I love planning a good party), Yoga, traveling & of course writing but I live for my family. One day I hope to live for something greater, …am currently learning how to be a Bipolar & Yoga advocate but my family keeps me going! I am a pretty good wife, mom, daughter & sister if you ask ME, but I am biased of course…

What project ‘s’ are you working on? Well, I have this blog that I get around to in my spare time, which is usually when insomnia strikes, and I have three (3) Facebook pages one for the blog, one for yoga and my own of course (I really love connection). I teach Yoga out of my home, I just became a teacher this year, and dream of opening a Studio one day! Then there’s my 7th Wedding Anniversary party and a Wellness Day in Macao & my Hindi lessons… but, the coolest project by far, outside my son – can I call my son a “project”? lol – is my Screenplay! That I am really proud of! It’s an autobiography & starts with ME getting handcuffed during my first psychotic break in front of Starbucks on Connecticut Avenue in Dupont circle. I am not sure how it ends – it’s about reclaiming my divine birthright; peace, joy, freedom and laughter! I started on this path with a cleanse at the Yoga Barn in Ubud, Bali in February of 2014 and I aim to finish it!

What are your ambitions for your projects? …Ugh – I’d like to make a blockbuster! Did I just admit that? Is that a “flag”, I am Bipolar ya know… All joking aside, who wouldn’t? And in the process, I’d like to make my little sister famous! She has all the skills, as she is an actress AND looks like ME?! Do forgive me for just addressing one project here BUT that’s a pretty enormous ambition! No? My Screenplay, it’s also an insiders guide to how one woman’s hyper alert, idiosyncratic and acutely sensitive manic-depressive mind works! I hope to make what it’s like to be mentally unstable available to more people. To suppress the stigma’s – make mental illness less taboo!

Do you have any political views? All is fair in love & Yoga! And by that I mean, there are different strokes for different folks! I am finding that I mainly vote/ lean one direction but try to see everyone’s point of view and do not side with a political party. Several of my friends & relatives are political die hards and I try to reason with them. But many of you know that that’s pointless! So what do I believe? I believe that all women should have the right to abortion but hope to never have to make that decision myself! I believe that all people should have the right to bear arms but don’t want a gun in the house. God forbid, when I get depressed, I just might use it on myself?! I believe that Education is really important and wish that it was FREE in the USA but that would wreck havoc on our taxes! I am glad to see that Health Insurance is reaching more people now! #GoObamaCare I don’t know if I believe in the death penalty, I think torture is better suited for some! …I support same sex marriage, like I said “All is fair in love & Yoga” – it doesn’t matter to me if some people are born that way or choose that direction later in life! Think that about sums it up… I am really not abreast of what the main issues are! But those are a few that I can think of that are important to ME!

What are your religious views? I have written about them in this blog, but I’ll share what I recently posted about my altar on my Yoga Facebook page here. I think it pretty much sums it up: “I have come to believe that I am a Universalist and believe that our universe, in all it’s glory, is an eternal organism and from it proceeds all life, all consciousness, all creativity… in other words, I believe: ALL is God. On my altar I have a photo of Jesus and a pendant of his mother Mary. (I was raised Catholic, though left the Church shortly after I started yoga in College). You will also find Ganesha, Krishna, Saraswati and of course Buddha up there too. (My husband is Hindu. A Hindu priest married us and another gave my son his name.) I own, but have not read in their entirety, the Holy Bible, a Bhagavad Gita, the Teachings of Buddha & most recently acquired a Qur’an… a close friend and Missionary tells me that I am a Pantheist but I’ll leave that up to you to judge… I promise not to bore you with my spiritual beliefs, in class, but you should trust that they are part of my yogic journey; finding your center is part of yours! Note: that this is intentionally a “Community Page” and I am open to such discussions about God, the Spirit, the Creator of all things, as you like. One thing that I have learned from Yoga since the Summer of 1998 is that WE ARE ONE and in my classes, I will work towards reinforcing that message! Chopra is a huge role model of mine and he often reminds me that we share and are responsible for only ONE World… so kindly keep in mind, as you come to class, that we are in this together!” …imagine that you get the picture!

What do you hope to fulfill in life? I hope to support my husband’s happiness and help make a respectable ‘citizen of the world’ out of my son! …I hope to follow the instructions that my Grandpa Bud gave me and do a job, any job, well! …he really haunts me sometimes, God rest his soul, often I put in the extra effort! You know, tie a pretty ribbon on the package. I could learn more from my Mom; she ties the best ribbons! Trust, I know, this list is not that “lofty” but they are the first things that come to mind!

Do you have any hobbies? Kindly see “What do you live for?” AND “What project ‘s’ are you working on?” above. ;) …the head of Human Resources at my first real job, in Rockefeller Center, told me that smart people usually answer questions before they are asked! Guess this proves that I am SMART? …I have been trying to prove that my whole life! Now my life is complete! …I might not know where Madagascar is nor who fought in the French Revolutionary War ;) but I do know some things!

In your spare time what artists do you listen to? A lot of 5 Seconds of Summer, Green Day & Pink lately! My four (4) year old son loves them… but when I get to choose it’s Pink Martini and Florence + the Machine… REM, Blondie, David Bowie, Eurythmics, Neil Diamond, George Michael & the Eagles when I am feeling nostalgic.

Any closing statements? Please note that I stole these questions from Vonj, out right! There is no shame in stealing! Everyone needs inspiration sometimes… that said, you can find his original post here! I may have just stumbled upon him but I <3 what I’ve seen…

Thanks WordPress (Benevolence)

B-e-n-e-v-o-l-e-n-c-e (WordPress gave me that title)… it’s the title of the grassy background that used to be the ‘Theme’ of my blog.

& I believe that herein interested readers are introduced to some characteristics of the bipolar disease. …I believe that many readers have misconceptions about ‘MY’ disease and I hope to give you/them a deeper understanding. I hope that you/they see that I am not merely the byproduct of my disease but rather I hope you/they see my Shakti (Creative Power) at play in my observation of/ participation in the world around ME/US.

I had hoped to attract enough attention to get me to Hollywood, it doesn’t look like that is happening now, but there is always time, I have time… so until this site gets more attention I’ll think up my next post, find my diaries and remain benevolent!

Did I ever tell you?

Did I ever tell YOU: “THANK YOU”? You, the tall one with brown hair that taught me how to demonstrate my appreciation. Are you listening? We were having lunch, albeit at separate tables, at the Middle Eastern Restaurant south of Dupont and you very kindly made a small scene of shaking your bag that said THANK YOU in red! Yes, I got it that message…

& YOU, did you notice that I am learning to write? You, the African-American man from Starbucks! Are you listening? You sat next to me, early one morning and tapped your finger on an ad for writing classes in the City Paper… (one of the more overt hints I was given)

& ALL of YOU, I saw you wearing the Nautica gear… your message was clear. I wasn’t going to get caught playing ‘oleWashingtongames. Thanks for trying to protect ME…

And finally, YOU, did you hear me the first time – the time I told you to “FUCK OFF”? You, you know who you are, I hope that you are listening. You put BUSH bumper stickers, albeit upside down, all over my apartment before we moved in on U Street?!?! Did you really think that I was going to start voting Republican just because he helped me out???

for five press – “I on” (D e press I on)


I want to tell you about depression [for five press – “I on”] and me… we have a funny relationship.

The long and short of it is that I won’t admit that I have it, depression that is, and I pride myself on hiding it so well that others never suspect that it plagues me. I am a fortunate one, which can get out of bed every morning and force myself to smile. (During my biggest challenges I have been known to regularly exercise, meditate and eat well; which, as the magazines report, helps a great deal…) It’s so ephemeral that I hardly understand how it manifests itself.

What I never understood about depression is that after I obsessed about the things that I longed for the most; specifically getting back together with my X, the obsession(s), became maggots on my heart and I erroneously blamed the innocent nameless faceless monsters, the ‘them’, that I write about throughout this blog.

My faith in the Universe kept me believing that I could fight, crack the code, win back Scum-lazy-ass-moron’s adoration and put an end to the proverbial elephants in my closet.

But my misplaced faith in a long-lost-love didn’t play a role in how it ended… rather my disease casted me in the largest bipolar role of my life.

I dressed in a dirty grey t-shirt (worn inside out and backwards) with a shabby-chic couture “west coast choppers” hoodie, a used purple bath towel as a skirt – tied it up with a brown belt, wore one bone white heel on the right foot with a black calf-skin slip on the other and marched into my doctor’s office half expecting scum-lazy-ass-moron to be there. (I was armed with four (4) small heart shaped earrings, from Barney’s CO-OP, and prepared to pierce belly buttons, as an initiation to my club of closest cohorts.)

Readers beware – I am confused too. As it wasn’t exactly then, but shortly thereafter, at my doctor’s office that I realized that Scum-lazy-ass-moron was never going to ride the white horse to my rescue. I had no knight in shining armor… just an acutely sensitive idiosyncratic and PSYCHOTIC disposition.

Part of me wishes that I took a selfie that fateful day… now I see, it was after all my Independence Day. The day that I finally let go of all that I had seen and relinquished a silly childhood dream.