Being Bipolar isn't EASY

and the Art of Slowing it Down

Tag Archives: Baggage

Will I be mine?

It seems that I am alone. Well not really, I have solid friends & a great family (Mr. Remarkable), but hypothetically speaking and in so far that we all are. It seems that no one can do this: thrive vs. survive thing but me.

My quagmire might be moderate but it’s a quagmire nonetheless and it’s STUBBORN. But I am drawing a line in the sand and allowing, operative word allow, this to be my rock bottom. Treading water is only attractive in so far that it is easy. And easy, I remind you – oh once ambitious one – isn’t where the glory is at.

I have been feeling a certain desperation lately and I don’t know, I don’t have the answer, but I think it’s a call to commit. Commit to answer the Universe’s call to love myself.

And so this Valentines Day (2018), I proclaim that: I love myself.

I am going to accept the responsibility to take care of myself and stop my self sabotataging ways. I am going to try my best, against the odds. To honor love and respect me. All me. The good, the bad & the ugly.

But I ask: How do I commit? How do I put action behind these words? Can I really draw a line in the sand? How is today any different from two weeks ago? Two months ago? Two years ago? Or five for that matter??

I dunno. I just have to believe. Believe in the power of love.

Easier is NOT Recovery

I don’t need to tell you – but I’m going to, it’s a hard knock life!

Like I made mention Tuesday was it? I am allowing the housework to still get to ME. Yes “allow”. Yes poor “me”. (Lol. Pity me not. I’m really spoiled rotten <White, American, comfortably unemployed… this list goes on> and just having a moment. In large part due the stress, the work that I create for myself, that will pass when I get this off my chest.)

I’m just not used to it & I had other plans for January. A little thing called 2018… Damn expectations! Looks like many a thing will be put ON HOLD until Spring.

And I don’t know about you but, as a consequence, it’s so much more ?enjoyable, is that the right word – that can’t be the right word, to do what is …easier! Ah the right word is that dirty little word “easier”. So let’s just be clear shall we? (For my sake, not yours.) Easier is not recovery. Easier is NOT mindfulness. But my point, about enjoyable, is that sometimes easier bring a levity/joy that we all need.

Nonetheless it reminds me of a quote that I just stumbled on & is now irking me – like the word irks? (I do) – ATM; …winners do daily what losers refuse to do. Or a better one, on my son’s school tee in fact (gotta love a good school) …Winners train & Losers complain.

What I don’t understand is why am I such a Loser? I love life. In fact I LOVE MY LIFE! Have v little to complain about, but in some ways I am complaining here. Read on & in a sec you’ll see why!

I clearly see that I still at 44 have a lot to work out. That is not a problem – the problem is with that I must put away the #negative selftalk (‘cuz I drank three glasses of wine last night, at this fragile time, I know better so this morning I’m a little fuzzy and I feel like a Loser – I’m smarter than that, not stronger) but like the adage – old habits die hard – it’s easy to beat myself up!

It was so v unrealistic of me to think one would cut the edge. ONE never cuts the edge!

It tastes and feels so good, most – if your like me – go for two. Or, shame on me, three last night. Yeah, okay – okay it’s not the end of the world, it was only three, but it was the wrong “break” to take. It was not in my best interest nor self care – which I need the more time for right now to be a G.O.L.F., Goddess of Light & Fun.

After all these years – I really know better <insert sigh> but to my point; I did what was easier.

And now, after another restless night, my activity online has been excessive this week and I am as impulsive as, well, always. Just feel like I am back to ground zero – because I tossed and turned beating myself up – up down, up down, up down… and now I feel like I am back to ground zero – because I tossed and turned beating myself up, which is mania really. Up down, up down, up down… that’s making me SAD. And I’m so v afraid of sad!

Ironically I am starting a cleanse today that I forgot Rahul & I had planned (that’s also not v mindful but damn if I don’t use this gift of a cleanse to think) and I cleaned the house yesterday so we’d have little to do today – so we could just enjoy a mindless family day on the PS4 and slow down this mania.

Wish me & my small nucleus luck? Mr. Remarkable has been working so v hard for him, his team, me/us, work lately – he needs a good funday & we all know remarkable boy wonder deserves it! And I/we really can’t afford a slip/setback at the moment.

The Devil is in the (Mental Health) detail, Mies

Don’t ask me why, but (I’m trying to use the word “but” less these days) I prefer to do things the HARD way. The very hard way!

I.e. It wasn’t until most recent years, and I just turned forty-four (44) that I learned to appreciate how our great big beautiful world works. How friends & family, including friends of friends and friends of family, can give you a ‘step up’, help you with that often ever so hard rung on the ladder.

If you can imagine I preferred to do things alone. ME, myself and I. It’s not that I’m not a collaborator. I am. I won’t use a superlative but most creatives need to be… it’s just that I never needed, scratch that – wanted – help. …I should clarify, the type of help that could maybe get one a job that one isn’t really qualified for.

…But now, @44, I am so very over “ME, myself & I” (if you have this/that neurosis – I encourage you to just STOP while your ahead & get over it now too), which brings me to the thought of the evening, It’s 1:04am where I am (I’m drinking coffee), and although I’ve written about the under cover agents/ physicians/ policemen that have haunted me in the past (Note to Reader: Maybe see https://beingbipolarisnteasy.com/2014/09/07/4cici/) there have also been angels, including President’s of the United States of America.

Yep!? That’s how bad this sh*t has gotten in the past), that have – are you sitting down? – stalked me. …Ooooooooooh! She just said it?!?!?!!? Ooooooooooh…………. is Princess Marksalot’s next mission to find out who her stalkers were/are?

And RED FLAG! RED FLAG!! …did she just use the word “are”?????

Fudge.

Mr. Remarkable, Honey, if your now on the other side of the world reading this, there’s NO need to panic and hop on a plane to come rescue me as you tried a few short weeks ago, but it’s true. Very true.

You may as well know THE TRUTH! I am so broken that ever since the very beginning in the Nation’s Capitol when I ran into George Washington Hospital, was it?, kicking & screaming “Protect ME, Protect my family”… you know the drill (Reader’s I elude to that fateful day often here in my posts) all of my MAJOR EPISODES and I guess very small ones, like we are experiencing now revolve around me being stalked.

Yes, that’s a fighting word. And a pretty legal term at that! It’s just that it breaks my heart to report that since that Labor Day weekend in 1999 or whatever (I can’t be bothered to cross-check & be most accurate ATM) …if I comes up in a Court of Law, I have the year. I remember the faces. The pendant… not!

Sadly, I CANNOT remember that pendant AND I desperately want to!!! The Activist & ever so Fashionista in me WANTS to wear a “pendant” of her own.

If I were a betting woman, I’d say it was GOLD! Solid gold. Every pun intended. (Note to reader: At the very least, I’d like to recover the DIY stained glass that I painted while talking to the pendant; I mean Art Support Staff. …like that’s ever gonna happen.)

But I digress. I’m not going to share my secret’s/ connections/ links via psychotic associations ATM, maybe not publically nor privately maybe not ever – a girl’s gotta hold onto something – rather (notice how I didn’t say “but” – insert grin) poke around here if your interested. Dappled in this blog are myriads of sites that I follow. Love Wiki. And/or some of my Hero’s, big & small – known and unkown.

Outside of these pictures that I often pilfer off the Internet, to visually articulate the title of my posts, I try very hard to give credit where credit is due.

That said. This, above, is a picture of my own. You can tell by the fingerprints. :) By the lot of marks. Ha! That’s a stretch. …Marksalot. I crack myself up & can be so v unintentionally cryptic. A beautiful ‘invisible single display book shelf’ from Barnes & Noble for less than 4USD.

Sadly, if you want one (1) of your own, you’ll have to run to the nearest store – as they were marked down 75% in the gift section in recent months.

It is a great way to make utterly beautiful Art. One just has to spend their money on the books! How very clever and poetic is the man/woman that came up with the idea. I hope he/she is absofuckinglutely rich by now. I have that their muse is wealthy…

I managed to acquire four (4). For ME. The lucky ME!

For a set of Edward Tufte’s four (4) graphic related books. Four (4) of these https://www.edwardtufte.com/tufte/books_vdqi. Saw somewhere; too tired to look for the link tonight but somewhere the Tufte organization makes a recommendation for his top four (4) best sellers, I guess.

Must publish this now & order them right quick! My mama wants me to “go back to bed”!?!?!?!? <insert sigh> She’s right.

Peace out people. /\

It’s so Easy!

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It’s so easy! I repeat: it’s SO easy for our loved ones to shift the focus to us; to avoid their own problem child!! I for one, as a blogger know this first hand!!! IMO because I try to honestly and diplomatically share some of my inner most feelings publicly here I get condemned for it at home!?

 

Everyone thinks that my husband is so gentle and tolerant but I no longer see those qualities as often as others do! :| In the beginning those were the qualities that attracted me to him but to my point I have to work hard to find other things attractive today. I trust that you can read between the lines. If my husband mistreats anyone, it’s ME!

 

Today, and I mean this morning; I got blamed for his disappointment with our much-needed conversation about a financial matter. One thing led to another and it was a snowball, after minute seven (7) we no longer knew what we were talking about… much to my surprise we were talking about my recent post “it’s excruciating being me” but today was the first mention of it!

 

Problem IMO is that my “remarkable” husband is not in touch with his inner child. Hell he is not even in touch with his brother! (Not because they are estranged but because hey do not make time for one another.) He is not in touch with the higher Spirit that brought us here today, let alone together… God bless him, he hardly has a chance to take a break to notice the finer things in life and as far as this post is concerned that includes ME! But to his credit for a few weeks last December he turned to meditation; Yoga Nidra in fact. I was hoping for the best but as life goes, those good times often fade away like ships passing in the night.

 

I don’t want to drown you in complaints about my husband, he’s not all bad, and all us folks in relationships can relate – we all have complaints about our better half BUT I also don’t want to bury my head in the sand… and I feel at this moment that I have no other outlet but this blog!

 

And so I continue because I know my husband will read this post. Honey if you’re listening: EVERYTHING is not my fault! YOUR opinion about me is so very inflexible, set in concrete in fact, and that is so very damaging to our relationship! IMO you are holding onto grudges for your own inability to achieve perfection; let alone mine! It’s high time to forgive yourself, & me, and move on!

 

More over it occurs to me that you are incapable of reaching into the depths of your soul and sharing yourself the way I do here. You’re a man. Most men can’t! And I will try not to blame you for that any longer but in return I ask that you give me some credit where credit is due. It may come easier to ME but it’s hard work to be this open. I dare say that it’s terribly unfair of you to use it against ME!

Lessons from Mahatma Gandhi

gandhi

 

I saw some version of this on a t-shirt yesterday & I believe it to be true!

“Life has shown me that people are courteous if I am courteous; people are sad if I am sad; people love me if I love them; people are mean if I hate them; people smile if I smile; people scowl if I am scowling; that the world is happy if I am happy; that people get mad if I am mad; that people are grateful if I show gratitude. Life is like a mirror; if I smile, the mirror returns the smile. The same attitude I have towards life is what life will have towards me.”

Note to reader: This post started over two (2) years ago!?

Sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes I have problems owning up to that pain. Often I act cowardly and turn the other way. <Insert sigh>

I can just hear myself, “No it couldn’t be MY attitude that needs a tune-up, it’s just that I was dealt a shitty hand…” Problem is I am wrong! I have failed to listen to this advice for the last two (2) years?! I could have saved myself a great deal of heartache if I internalized the message long ago.

And so as I embark on therapy but you can trust that I’ll be sucking facebook dry for what inspirations it has to offer!

3 Reasons I am and I am not Bipolar

1) Bipolar or not I am notorious for canceling appointments!

Whether it’s a lunch date with the girls or a trial for a new exercise routine I let life get in the way. Granted sometimes I am feeling fat, ugly or simply blue but I don’t stay the course & keep to the plan!

As of late I have been trying really hard to follow through. If I commit to something and make a date I try to not allow life to get in the way but sometimes it gets the better of ME.

Like my Crossfit trial!? Last week my husband woke ME up at twelve (12) am and so I couldn’t get back to sleep before time to go at dawn & then when I tried to make it up, I missed the bus because I was looking for a taxi and if you live in Macau, you know one thing that we have a shortage of is taxis…

But often, I am beginning to wonder if it’s an anxiety thing. So many of us have dual diagnosis’… the jury is out on that one until I can study it more with my therapist. Usually classic anxiety comes after when I think “Did she like ME?”, “Will I ever be invited back?” etc.

2) Bipolar or not I am impulsive!

Not like according to the mental health provider Eric Johnson. He says: “Bipolar mania, and the less intense hypomania, is associated with increased risk-taking behaviors like drug use, promiscuous sex, over-spending money, and other poor decisions.”

Sadly I have never been a drug user nor very promiscuous. (I imagine it’s exciting.) I have experimented, a very little, but not like the stories that I have heard in BP support groups. And luckily I’ve never had enough money to overspend. Sure I have lived paycheck to paycheck before, gladly those days are out of my purview now but I share that I know what it’s like!

But this is where Eric Johnson is right. My poor decisions involve being impatient and therefor impulsive. I am not a psychologist but I would argue that they go hand in hand! And I would bet that it ALL stems from not being mindful. That’s another thing that I am constantly working on but it can be so very difficult.

…I have a certain ‘je ne sai quoi‘ that throws caution to the wind at times. It’s quick, I can be so very quick! Like my Facebook comment on BP Magazine for Bipolar yesterday… I have it in my head that I ready to reach a greater audience. I am convinced that it would help ME spread the love. Because that is what I aim to do here, blogging, I am spewing out raw love as I try to connect with other like minded souls.

Don’t get ME wrong. There are plenty of people blogging about mental health these days, more so since Robin William’s suicide – I think… BUT naturally I think my bent is, well, special. We should all think that our work is “Special”.

Kindly take twenty (20) minutes and see this TED talk.

http://www.ted.com/playlists/301/why_we_do_the_things_we_do?utm_campaign=social&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_content=playlist&utm_term=social-science

There is great joy that people get from creating something new, and to use the little French that I remember again, sans instructions.

3) Bipolar or not I have grandiose thoughts!

To begin with, I desperately want to sell my Screenplay and have my story heard… ok, in short, yes – I want to be FAMOUS. The truth is… I haven’t told anyone this truth yet… the Truth, capitol “T”, is that I want to shed light on some misgivings that happened to ME in Washington, DC. To this date I do not believe that I was alone in my thoughts about being followed. I really think that I was followed!

For an hour, for a week – maybe a month; but certainly not as it was in my head for three (3) years!? Needless to say, I think that I drew enough attention to myself in the Nation’s Capitol, that fateful day on a stretcher that I entered George Washington’s ER kicking & screaming: Protect ME! Protect my family! Call my sister in Paris! Find out where my parents are!? There are good, well-meaning people in DC. People that want justice. People that protect the innocent… etc.

I think that my mania, hell let’s be straight – my psychosis, trapped me, my little sister and I, up in a triangle that was bigger than I was aware. One could insert the whole throw caution the wind bit again, here.

Anyways, not to be cryptic but you’ll have to wait to hear more about that story IF my Screenplay ever gets published. You did hear ME say that I desperately want it to get published right? I do hope that I can raise money to support at least a short but I really need one hundred and twenty (120) minutes to give the whole picture. I can’t imagine that ten (10) will be enough BUT we all know how some of those GoFundMe projects go.

I am not yet convinced that I can ask my friends & family to financially support my dream… it’s not like I have medical bills or lawyer bills that I cannot afford. I am not yet convinced that I will be grateful enough for a handful of people giving ME twenty (20) dollars here. Twenty (20) dollars there. It would make ME feel like a failure when I really know that I need the BIG bucks!

Note to reader. I have had my head up my Screenplay & writing for BP Magazine for Bipolar, aka BP Hope, the last two (2) months. Not only has BP Magazine recently offered ‘lil old ME more opportunities to blog for them this year, the original offer was three (3), BUT they have thrown out the possibility to post more often for them in 2016 AND they have now agreed to post some of my old fodder! So I will get more FaceTime & therefor reach more readers!? We all should be so lucky to be able to share our stories, explain ourselves and gain understanding. Then the compassion, understanding and acceptance from the mainstream will follow. I know it will follow. Hell, if your reading this & not Bipolar it’s already following!! ;)

Idiosynchronicity

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I wouldn’t wish it on my four (4) year old son but I am acutely idiosyncratic. If you need a refresher on what it means or its common synonyms, kindly google it? I see no point in copying the definition here!

A handful of people, in recent years, have told me that I am also real, interesting, insightful, refreshing & even funny. And so I choose to believe them!

Countless others have also communicated under no uncertain terms that I am also a royal pain in the ass because I do not follow common social rules of engagement. But I am okay with that! I am OKAY with being a pain in the ass, after all I am the problem child – the middle child… it’s all I know?!

The problem is it’s LONELY! And yet to get out of bed everyday I tell myself: “It’s not me. It’s everyone else in this damn world that has got it wrong.” I know how to get my point across & am not afraid of having the conversation that no one wants to have. I am not afraid of using words creatively, liberally & succinctly.

And in that way, I am unique!

It’s very sad to admit but it is below me to acculturate!!! The thought of communicating about things that we are all very well aware of, like the weather, makes me want to carve my eyes out of my head! I want to have important conversations with value with real people that matter. And it is in that quest that I continue to learn how different we all are!

Note to reader: I might not look nor dress like Uldus Bakhtiozina in the picture above; I tell myself it’s what’s on the inside that counts! ;) She has a great talk also about her photography & fighting stereotypes on TED if you haven’t seen it!

In My Opinion

IMO had I not told my now husband, a few short weeks after we met, when I was thirty four (34) that I moved back into my parents house to get medicated for & stable with my “BIPOLAR” condition, we might not be together today! You see, I had a vision & a belief that my future could have a different story than the one that I had been living/ struggling with on my own…

Kindly read this article now so that you can appreciate where I am coming from! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/05/11/mental-illness-shame_n_7204676.html?utm_hp_ref=stronger-together&utm_content=bufferf56f9&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer

Further I might not have been blessed with a child, because I had fertility issues in my late twenties (Note to reader: We were preggers a short six (6) months after marriage.), and I might not live in Macau… Ha! Not that Macau is any great shakes, IMO, but it does afford me the privilege to travel internationally & appreciate the limits of our greater world, first hand.

And that got me reflecting – had I been honest with my employers I a) may have been paid better, Bipolar’s are known for their creativity, or b) I potentially may not have so easily quit & or been fired from many a good job prior to meeting my hub.

All that said, I know how tough it can be! It still took me a good five (5) years later to “come out” to my larger network of family and friends and I still haven’t come out here, behind this blog?!

After Robin Williams suicide, a light bulb went off in my head and it occurred to me that IMO: “honesty IS the best policy” and amazingly I have found in less than a year that I am more comfortable not hiding behind a secret/lie… whichever way you choose to look at it! (Note to reader: Now I believe that not being true to myself and fair to those around me by being an open book was both; a secret & a lie!)

Additionally I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to enjoy the joys of advocacy. I wouldn’t be able to help friends old and new. Some times it is not so obvious but years and years of therapy has taught me how to dissect what’s behind our words and actions. Mind you it’s only my opinion, at the end of the day, but it helps me analytically juggle my interactions and those of others IMO. Lol; are you tiring of all the IMO’s?

Even more importantly perhaps it has made me hypersensitive to my alcohol fetish. I cannot say “alcohol addiction” because I often choose to pair my drink with my food in a very rudimentary non-sommelier way. (Note to reader: If you haven’t read some of my other recent posts, you may want to stop now and read another breaking ground study: http://www.thelocal.no/20150427/norway-study-substance-abuse-related-to-mental-health.)

The saddest thing about this reality: “that people living with a mental illness choose not to seek treatment for their disorder due to fear of judgment is the loss” is that it cuts both ways. Loving a person that is mentally unstable may not be the easiest thing to do. IMO they can be less rational, practical, logical, hold grudges longer, literally imagine that the sky is falling when the shit hits the fan but the breakups and the havoc that they wreck on both parties is so very not worth it. Sand bagging relationships is not worth it. Sticking to your guns to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is!

And to think that this very common occurrence could easily be remedied with three (3) simple words: “I am _______.” Here, I challenge you, all of you – clinically unstable or not to fill in the blank. If you can’t I encourage you to write to Encyclopedia Britannica because the world needs to record that there is one “PERFECT” person in this crazy world.

The point here is this: never be ashamed of your _______. It might not be pretty but admitting that you have a _______ might be the first step towards making it work for you. Dig up the courage to look past your limits & listen to Caroline Casey, “being absolutely true to yourself is freedom”. Here I have chosen to share her TED talk: http://www.ted.com/talks/caroline_casey_looking_past_limits

…I know it may be hard to admit our weaknesses, shortcomings and failures but it’s so very exhausting trying to being perfect. When reality not a single one of us is. IMO we all need therapy. We are all some shade of fucked up. Some of us are just more open and honest about it than others.

It is my hope that you find this post supportive and that its helps give you the ability to believe that you can get past your _______. I hope that ME and my stories encourage you to be yourself! Trust that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

At the end of the day, my message is this, I am glad that I told some random guy that I had barely even kissed in a town that I had no intention of staying in why I was very nervous to be HIS date to his birthday party. What I learned through my sharing is what Caroline Casey learned: “When you make a decision at the right time, in the right place – the Universe makes it happen for you!”

An Ode to Rose Petals

Negativity really has a bad rap!

But to me it’s just one side of the coin. It’s a fact: there is joy and there is pain; just like there is day and there is night. Just like there is winning and losing – good and evil, happy times and sad times… this is life in its totality! The plus’s and the minus’s.

But not everyone sees that.

Instead everyone under this great big sun wants to dance around barefoot in the tall grass with the breeze in their hair while it is showering rose petals.

… and yet I cannot relate because this quote that I cannot quite recall haunts ME. It’s something about how one can only see light through the darkness.

And that is something that I have accepted at the core of my being. It’s not dissimilar to the faith that I have that the sun will always rise.

With this acceptance comes a dilemma, as I want my whole self to be heard. I want my whole self to be felt. But I am learning that you can’t be brutally honest with everyone because the whole truth can hurt. …this dilemma gnaws at my soul because I am desperate to give my whole/true self to someone but when I look around the only one that I think can handle it is myself!

So here’s a dose of my own medicine. Here’s a stab at being brutally honest with someone: When I have a hard look in the mirror and seen a lie; a fake!

!!!???!?!

I can’t tell you how many times that I have questioned my authenticity since becoming a yoga teacher. With the title comes a sense of responsibility – an image of a role model, no?

But I am no role model. I am not living the best yogic life. Instead, for example, I drank a fight with my sister away just before being caught plastering pictures of my family on Facebook while arguing with my husband and neglecting my four (4) year old son. And that was just yesterday!

Some yoga teacher. I don’t feel better. I feel dark. Sad even. So, I think I will crawl under a blanket and disappear until the sun finds a way to peel open my eyes!

For tomorrow I start a detox, a new exercise regime & a renewed commitment to my morning practice. I am lucky it’s Spring. It’s high time to reflect – to reinvent. …and maybe just maybe it’s high time that this yogini give some thought to why everyone under this great big sun wants to dance around barefoot in the tall grass with the breeze in their hair while it is showering rose petals!

My therapist told me to

woman-on-therapist-couch

My therapist told me to. My therapist told me to write about “my depressed states”?!

And that, that’s a really hard charge because as I have told you, I don’t think that I have it! I didn’t think that I could do it! And then like most things flow; this article came across my path.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2015/02/17/the-subtle-symptoms-of-depression/

You should take a moment to look at it! It’s from Forbes & extremely educating. I read it & realized I am a walking talking high functioning depressed wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, screenwriter, blogger, yoga teacher?!

Now don’t get me wrong, in my long/short life (which is it today?) there’s a lot whole hell of a lot about myself, my life, my family, others that I have had to learn how to accept and turn a compassionate heart towards; you know the kind of things that one doesn’t want said at their wake but just thinking about how beautifully the painting of my life, my family’s life, looks above the fireplace makes me smile… smile on the inside. If you’re a perfectionist, I trust that you know what I mean.

If I am honest, as of late, when I am depressed I withdraw and I rearrange my calendar so that I don’t have to leave the house. I cancel lunch dates, play dates, skip yoga classes… being anti social furthers my depressed state. I neglect exercise, sleep longer than ‘normal’ and thus neglect my morning spiritual rituals. I find myself having too much liquid at lunch and/or at dinner – you know the kind that we don’t serve our kids and thus I gain weight! …gaining weight furthers my depressed state which affects my sex drive which affects my relationship with my husband which only furthers my depressed state… then I get negative, negative about everything.

And I’ve been doing that a lot lately! I haven’t hit rock bottom and jumped on the negative band wagon but if I am not careful, it’s just around the corner!

…don’t get me wrong, I am and am not DEPRESSED I survive because I toggle. I am grateful for this article teaching me about toggling… I am a toggler!

I bounce around between the magic moments. Gratefully I practice gratitude and can find many magic moments that make my life worth living but if I graphed it, it would be a pretty erratic graph. Sometimes, like many bipolars, I can spike several times in one week, but now that I am relatively stable or was fooling myself that I was before I visited with my therapist last week, I usually spike a few times a year.

Note to self: Don’t talk to your therapist about your Screenplay anymore! You didn’t need to know that you are a toggler! ;) … I can see my first meeting now: “Hello, My name is XXX & I am a toggler! I am here because I want to stop toggling!!!”

If that wasn’t enough, fully present & conscious I do things that I know that I don’t want to do, like drink coffee. Bear with me dear reader – it may at first sound like a feeble attempt to fill up this post, even I thought it was a little pathetic when I wrote it, BUT coffee is a BIG dehydrator and false stimulator that I wish that I had access to naturally. I notice when I am off coffee that things like a smile, a hug, yoga, coconut juice or kefir pick me up!

I can’t tell you how many times that I have been in the kitchen, habitually like a robot taking the coffee beans out of the pantry and the grinder out of the cupboard saying to myself: “You don’t really want to do this”… “No, I really want to do this”… “What’s the harm?”… all the while mindlessly hearing the pitter patter of the beans falling against the walls of the grinder?!

See that proves it. I am a toggler! You can only imagine if I toggle with something so small as my coffee drinking that I toggle with much bigger daemons in the closet.

…and here I want to close by saying “Pfew. That felt good! I am glad that I listened to my therapist!” But that would be in part a small lie. As I just found out that I toggle.

I think that this post is a good start to get me thinking about what a BIG role depression plays in my life. I know that I have only scratched the surface of the iceberg, I have much more to brew over – pun intended… Question is what am I going to do about it? There is only so much that Uncle Google can answer!

…I think that I’ll do something super superficial, but all that I am prepared to do now @ 2:44am MT, and vow to not make a pot of coffee today!