Being Bipolar isn't EASY

and the Art of Slowing it Down

I’m Coming Out

It’s been a while. I know. Forgive me? But maybe you have noticed on Facebook that I am blogging for BP Magazine? My current profile is http://www.bphope.com/author/princess-marksalot/ but I aim to update that soon.

But that’s going to change here in a few minutes as I aim to retire my pseudonym. <insert a BIG sigh of relief>

So without further ado, my name is Jessica. I don’t have another picture that captures ME & my spirit to post here today so I refer you to https://beingbipolarisnteasy.com/2015/02/02/a-bit-more-about-me/. People tell me that I haven’t changed much since 2003 when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and not the onset of a mental illness. (I had yet to have a psychotic break!) In retrospect I was just severely depressed and in the wrong semi-intimate relationship, at that point in my evolution.

That said this picture that I shared here holds a precious moment in my history! It was taken moments before I drove a small U-haul with all of my belongings (I was leaving my partner) from Paradise Valley, AZ… no joke I lived in “Paradise” to my parents home where I temporarily set up base before moving to Washington, DC.

What I was projecting at the time remains the same message that I would hope my ex remembers today: ‘It’s all good. I love & forgive you.’ So please do take a look and have a read about me here my interview if you’d like to put a face with a name. It will allow you to get to know me better.

That shamelessly plugged, I am most grateful for my following here and on Facebook. Combined I can count almost five hundred (500) followers and five thousand (5000) views. <insert smile> I took the time to quantify that figure because, although I may not know you by name nor banter with you often, your presence keeps my heart warm on my loneliest days, at any hour around the globe! I wanted to communicate that you matter to me! You count!!

I’ll have you know that in the Fall of 2014 I came out of the closet to my closest family & friends. There is evidence here: https://beingbipolarisnteasy.com/2014/09/05/in-praise-of-feathers/.

Since then it has been an …’interesting’ road learning how to advocate in the public eye for the Bipolar and to raise Mental Health awareness. I am troubled by my use of ‘interesting’, I guess it has been educating, an eye opening of my body, mind and soul.

Under my personal & private Facebook Profile I have shared countless articles supporting our need to make Mental Health a family conversation, a political conversation. I wouldn’t say that people aren’t listening but I will say that it may be falling on deaf ears! My three hundred (300) or so “friends” aren’t liking nor commenting much on those posts! And so I have concluded that I don’t think that people know how to talk about it… <insert sigh> Will we ever win?

That said, today, now… I’m throwing away all my masks and coordinating capes and gowns and making my true identity known to the public! Primarily because I am tired of juggling so many accounts but also because I realize that the general public may never see my Screenplay. The reasons are countless but the main ones follow:

  • I want to be transparent, I no longer require anonymity. I am feeling afraid at present so I want to shout out to the World: Be not afraid!
  • I want to release any distance that I feel from you, my readers, as we share stories. I have an instinct that knowing my real identity will allow us to speak more personally and specifically with one another.
  • I want to open myself to accountability. Blogging is not brain surgery and I doubt that I would ever run for a political office. The identities of my loved ones archived herein will forever remain as I originally shared.

I have come to my senses and recognise that my Screenplay is a pipe dream! After seeing the Touched with Fire trailer I don’t trust that my story will gain much ground. It’s okay. I haven’t given up but I am at peace with it and I don’t want to delay the inevitable any longer . Here and now, you are my witness, I release any and all visions of grandeur with respect to it!

You see, in the beginning I was terrified that there was truth behind my conspiracies and that I wasn’t just psychotic! I feared for my identity, the identity of my family & my closest friends (most, if not all, played a role in my delusions, I trust that many of you know how it goes). As I shared my experiences with mania and depression in, I’d like to believe, great graphic expression and clarity.

One of my favourites was:

https://beingbipolarisnteasy.com/2012/01/26/then-god-said/

But you should, if you haven’t, really read:

https://beingbipolarisnteasy.com/2015/02/02/a-bit-more-about-me/

https://beingbipolarisnteasy.com/2014/09/11/practice-makes-perfect/

Today, my goal has become to join mainstream and help break down the walls of ignorance that divide us on Mental Health issues.

And with that I would really like to wrap up a solid & comprehensive First Draft of my Screenplay, if only to serve as a keepsake for my son and then really start evaluating doing a Short with my younger sister, an actress in LA! She looks like ME and she’s got unbelievable heart and talent!

That’s quite a bit from ME for today… I thank you for taking this first step with ME.

I hope to inspire you to share your stories as well! If not in a blog, with one of your closest friends or family; the ones that have known you the longest. The dynamics of many of my relationships have changed since I came out and I am tickled to share that I am more empowered now. I repeat, practically fear free!

Trust that I’ll first & foremost always be your Princess. ;) Light and love to you & yours. This feels good!

p.s. I will not close my Facebook Page, Being Bipolar Isn’t Easy, so we can continue our discussions there!

Is God out there or in here?

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I don’t know about you BUT I believe that my faith is in large part responsible for my stability. Even when I was totally psychotic and undedicated I was able to hold my shit together & conceal it from others for months at a time. (You’ll note that I have no idea what the psychological ramifications are of that.)

 

And so, to get the conversation rolling, I share with you now that I recently stumbled upon two (2) questions that I diligently saved to ponder at the appropriate time. I.e. When I was ready! In no shape or form am I “certified” to answer these questions. I am no expert on the topic, I merely have had a relationship with God since I was in my early teens!? So I can only start from a co-creative space!

 

But now that I say that, I am reminded that God presented him/herself to me much earlier. When I was about five (5) I guess. For a long while, often in the morning after a good nights sleep, I would regale to my mother about my OTHER mother. The one that came to me in my dreams!

 

She was every imaginable color in the Universe. Not only her medusa like hair? was colorful but her garb was not unlike Joseph’s in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Part of me wonders today if my Mother might have seen the Musical when I was in her womb as it did hit the stage in 1973, the year that I as born. …But that is highly unlikely it didn’t hit Broadway until about ten (10) years later AND my parents lived in Ohio at the time. Suffice it to say I am comfortable with the idea that she may have read about it!

 

But more about my OTHER mother. She had a gazillion children. In real life I only had one (1) sister, five (5) years my senior. But in my dreams I was part of a much larger family. I had brothers and sisters, each a solid color. I may have been purple, to this day it remains my favorite color but regretfully, I have no idea what color I was! <insert sigh> And we had pets! Our pets were striped, polka dotted and zig zagged as you may have guessed by now! We lived in beautiful rolling hills not unlike those in the Sound of Music… You can imagine, at five (5)?, I loved my rainbow colored and patterned family and our slice of heaven on what I perceived to be earth!

 

But I digress. Now that you have a small inkling of where I am coming from, I will share the questions that I found so valuable to store away in a safe place for a rainy day, or in this case a sleepless night. Again, I am no expert I am merely in a Spiritual Partnership with the Creator of All there is & ever was… So here goes nothing!

 

1) Are we a part of God or are we separate entirely?

 

Uh! Definitely, a part of God/Universe.

 

As I share with my son. God lives in us. We live in God. We humans are merely the shells protecting our truths. The truth that everything that there ever was began and continues to persist out of great love.

 

Practically every morning after I sing “Rise & Shine and give God your glory” I put on Elizabeth Mitchell’s “So Glad I’m here”. If you don’t know it I encourage you to check it out. In one version, she starts by clapping! <insert smile> It’s terribly uplifting! And she goes on to say “Love brought me here” and I am confident that that’s the ultimate truth!

 

2) Is God out there or in here?

 

Oh! Maybe I already answered this? …I repeat: God lives in us. We live in God. So I guess, if you allow, I will say: both! Typically I don’t like to stand on the fence. I have been known to be a very pick sides kind of girl. Very principled.

 

The more I commit to my meditation practice, the deeper I get, the less I see, I know that the bliss that I feel is emanating from inside of ME! It’s an awesome and humbling feeling that I hope and pray many of you know.

 

But the amazing stuff is that we all get to witness, when we open our eyes and hearts, I believe, is that God is all around us. The Universe is working for us, every second of everyday.

 

With that I leave you with this seed of advice. Accept the disease if you will, disorder if you prefer, that the Creator of All things has bestowed on you, me, us… Be grateful for the insight and awareness that dealing with a …misfortune teaches you on your, operative word “your”, path in this lifetime. Consider how you can help/relate to others, potentially in different circumstances due to your diagnosis.

 

If you already pray consider starting a different practice just sit/stand/walk/ lie down and quiet your mind by not holding on to your thoughts, let everything that arises in you go, so that you can listen to yourself. And breathe. Feel your body fill with life on your inhale and release any & all negative crapola on your exhale. Some call it meditating, I wouldn’t go so far. I call it centering.

 

You can do it any time of day to reach your belief system.

It’s so Easy!

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It’s so easy! I repeat: it’s SO easy for our loved ones to shift the focus to us; to avoid their own problem child!! I for one, as a blogger know this first hand!!! IMO because I try to honestly and diplomatically share some of my inner most feelings publicly here I get condemned for it at home!?

 

Everyone thinks that my husband is so gentle and tolerant but I no longer see those qualities as often as others do! :| In the beginning those were the qualities that attracted me to him but to my point I have to work hard to find other things attractive today. I trust that you can read between the lines. If my husband mistreats anyone, it’s ME!

 

Today, and I mean this morning; I got blamed for his disappointment with our much-needed conversation about a financial matter. One thing led to another and it was a snowball, after minute seven (7) we no longer knew what we were talking about… much to my surprise we were talking about my recent post “it’s excruciating being me” but today was the first mention of it!

 

Problem IMO is that my “remarkable” husband is not in touch with his inner child. Hell he is not even in touch with his brother! (Not because they are estranged but because hey do not make time for one another.) He is not in touch with the higher Spirit that brought us here today, let alone together… God bless him, he hardly has a chance to take a break to notice the finer things in life and as far as this post is concerned that includes ME! But to his credit for a few weeks last December he turned to meditation; Yoga Nidra in fact. I was hoping for the best but as life goes, those good times often fade away like ships passing in the night.

 

I don’t want to drown you in complaints about my husband, he’s not all bad, and all us folks in relationships can relate – we all have complaints about our better half BUT I also don’t want to bury my head in the sand… and I feel at this moment that I have no other outlet but this blog!

 

And so I continue because I know my husband will read this post. Honey if you’re listening: EVERYTHING is not my fault! YOUR opinion about me is so very inflexible, set in concrete in fact, and that is so very damaging to our relationship! IMO you are holding onto grudges for your own inability to achieve perfection; let alone mine! It’s high time to forgive yourself, & me, and move on!

 

More over it occurs to me that you are incapable of reaching into the depths of your soul and sharing yourself the way I do here. You’re a man. Most men can’t! And I will try not to blame you for that any longer but in return I ask that you give me some credit where credit is due. It may come easier to ME but it’s hard work to be this open. I dare say that it’s terribly unfair of you to use it against ME!

Lessons from Mahatma Gandhi

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I saw some version of this on a t-shirt yesterday & I believe it to be true!

“Life has shown me that people are courteous if I am courteous; people are sad if I am sad; people love me if I love them; people are mean if I hate them; people smile if I smile; people scowl if I am scowling; that the world is happy if I am happy; that people get mad if I am mad; that people are grateful if I show gratitude. Life is like a mirror; if I smile, the mirror returns the smile. The same attitude I have towards life is what life will have towards me.”

Note to reader: This post started over two (2) years ago!?

Sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes I have problems owning up to that pain. Often I act cowardly and turn the other way. <Insert sigh>

I can just hear myself, “No it couldn’t be MY attitude that needs a tune-up, it’s just that I was dealt a shitty hand…” Problem is I am wrong! I have failed to listen to this advice for the last two (2) years?! I could have saved myself a great deal of heartache if I internalized the message long ago.

And so as I embark on therapy but you can trust that I’ll be sucking facebook dry for what inspirations it has to offer!

Break on Through

 

If your familiar with my older posts – you’ll take note that it’s been a while since I opened with a song. Hope your glad to have it back! This one touched me deep inside recently as I am working on breaking on through to the other side… Gratefully I have been coping for a long while but think I am in the final stages of gaining life long stability through introducing a daily routine and continuing with my gratitude practice. Not unlike how recovering alcoholics prey for their sobriety morning & night.

 

With that I will share that it was only after reading this I realized that I am just TOO HARD on myself!? http://www.mysticalraven.com/inspirational/19-signs-youre-doing-better-than-you-think/

 

And so I will try to take a deep breath, now and again, when life presents me with another challenge and continue! Our breath is and always has been our gift in this life!!

 

  1. I am alive; and for a Bipolar that is significant. I have contemplated suicide more than once.
  2. I am able to see the sunrise, alone in the comfort of my home with a cuppa joe. But a glass of wine, usually cooking at sunset?!
  3. I am able to hear birds sing if I pay very close attention and waves crash if I go to a beach of any significance. I have never really been a beach bum!
  4. I can walk outside and feel the breeze through my hair… sometimes I notice it when I don’t have my nose in my phone?! I will try to not the sun’s warmth on my skin more often!
  5. I have tasted the sweetness of a chocolate cake & living in macao, I miss a good chocolate cake!? Thanks for reminding me. :|
  6. I never go to sleep hungry, unless I am dieting, and for that I am so very sploit.
  7. I did awake this morning in my family bed with the roof still over our heads. My son & I try to remember to thank the Universe for this daily.
  8. I always have a choice re: how to express myself and for this too, I am so very sploit.
  9. No, I haven’t feared for my life today.
  10. I have overcome some considerable obstacles, however innocuous they have been and I have survived. Am still evaluating the learning curve. ;p
  11. I have ambition, passion, drive and thte freedom to make my own choices!
  12. I don’t live in China… Macau isn’t China!
  13. I am strong & healthy! Although you may be hearing from me more soon, I have to get foot surgery & will be strapped close to my apartment in a cast for a month!
  14. I have a family of nine (9) whom misses ME and is looking forward to spending some time together around the holidays.
  15. …uh, no. Maybe not, at 42 I don’t reminisce much yet.
  16. …uh, again no. The drinking water in Macau is the shit of the litter. We get everything that China doesn’t want. BUT I know what you mean, it’s clear.
  17. I have high quality medical care and insurance that covers most of it! This is a blessing!
  18. Geeze! Sadly this is a BIGGIE!! I don’t know what I do without the internet.
  19. I can read and I am very proud that I taught my son to read at four (4) by simply tracing sentences with my fingers.

 

Note to reader: I encourage you to elaborate on your own answers as I did. And I encourage you to write them down!

 

3 Reasons I am and I am not Bipolar

1) Bipolar or not I am notorious for canceling appointments!

Whether it’s a lunch date with the girls or a trial for a new exercise routine I let life get in the way. Granted sometimes I am feeling fat, ugly or simply blue but I don’t stay the course & keep to the plan!

As of late I have been trying really hard to follow through. If I commit to something and make a date I try to not allow life to get in the way but sometimes it gets the better of ME.

Like my Crossfit trial!? Last week my husband woke ME up at twelve (12) am and so I couldn’t get back to sleep before time to go at dawn & then when I tried to make it up, I missed the bus because I was looking for a taxi and if you live in Macau, you know one thing that we have a shortage of is taxis…

But often, I am beginning to wonder if it’s an anxiety thing. So many of us have dual diagnosis’… the jury is out on that one until I can study it more with my therapist. Usually classic anxiety comes after when I think “Did she like ME?”, “Will I ever be invited back?” etc.

2) Bipolar or not I am impulsive!

Not like according to the mental health provider Eric Johnson. He says: “Bipolar mania, and the less intense hypomania, is associated with increased risk-taking behaviors like drug use, promiscuous sex, over-spending money, and other poor decisions.”

Sadly I have never been a drug user nor very promiscuous. (I imagine it’s exciting.) I have experimented, a very little, but not like the stories that I have heard in BP support groups. And luckily I’ve never had enough money to overspend. Sure I have lived paycheck to paycheck before, gladly those days are out of my purview now but I share that I know what it’s like!

But this is where Eric Johnson is right. My poor decisions involve being impatient and therefor impulsive. I am not a psychologist but I would argue that they go hand in hand! And I would bet that it ALL stems from not being mindful. That’s another thing that I am constantly working on but it can be so very difficult.

…I have a certain ‘je ne sai quoi‘ that throws caution to the wind at times. It’s quick, I can be so very quick! Like my Facebook comment on BP Magazine for Bipolar yesterday… I have it in my head that I ready to reach a greater audience. I am convinced that it would help ME spread the love. Because that is what I aim to do here, blogging, I am spewing out raw love as I try to connect with other like minded souls.

Don’t get ME wrong. There are plenty of people blogging about mental health these days, more so since Robin William’s suicide – I think… BUT naturally I think my bent is, well, special. We should all think that our work is “Special”.

Kindly take twenty (20) minutes and see this TED talk.

http://www.ted.com/playlists/301/why_we_do_the_things_we_do?utm_campaign=social&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_content=playlist&utm_term=social-science

There is great joy that people get from creating something new, and to use the little French that I remember again, sans instructions.

3) Bipolar or not I have grandiose thoughts!

To begin with, I desperately want to sell my Screenplay and have my story heard… ok, in short, yes – I want to be FAMOUS. The truth is… I haven’t told anyone this truth yet… the Truth, capitol “T”, is that I want to shed light on some misgivings that happened to ME in Washington, DC. To this date I do not believe that I was alone in my thoughts about being followed. I really think that I was followed!

For an hour, for a week – maybe a month; but certainly not as it was in my head for three (3) years!? Needless to say, I think that I drew enough attention to myself in the Nation’s Capitol, that fateful day on a stretcher that I entered George Washington’s ER kicking & screaming: Protect ME! Protect my family! Call my sister in Paris! Find out where my parents are!? There are good, well-meaning people in DC. People that want justice. People that protect the innocent… etc.

I think that my mania, hell let’s be straight – my psychosis, trapped me, my little sister and I, up in a triangle that was bigger than I was aware. One could insert the whole throw caution the wind bit again, here.

Anyways, not to be cryptic but you’ll have to wait to hear more about that story IF my Screenplay ever gets published. You did hear ME say that I desperately want it to get published right? I do hope that I can raise money to support at least a short but I really need one hundred and twenty (120) minutes to give the whole picture. I can’t imagine that ten (10) will be enough BUT we all know how some of those GoFundMe projects go.

I am not yet convinced that I can ask my friends & family to financially support my dream… it’s not like I have medical bills or lawyer bills that I cannot afford. I am not yet convinced that I will be grateful enough for a handful of people giving ME twenty (20) dollars here. Twenty (20) dollars there. It would make ME feel like a failure when I really know that I need the BIG bucks!

Note to reader. I have had my head up my Screenplay & writing for BP Magazine for Bipolar, aka BP Hope, the last two (2) months. Not only has BP Magazine recently offered ‘lil old ME more opportunities to blog for them this year, the original offer was three (3), BUT they have thrown out the possibility to post more often for them in 2016 AND they have now agreed to post some of my old fodder! So I will get more FaceTime & therefor reach more readers!? We all should be so lucky to be able to share our stories, explain ourselves and gain understanding. Then the compassion, understanding and acceptance from the mainstream will follow. I know it will follow. Hell, if your reading this & not Bipolar it’s already following!! ;)

Forty (40) Questions that will quiet your mind

So I just completed this questionnaire. http://www.the-open-mind.com/40-questions-that-will-quiet-your-mind/ You don’t have to write it & post it in your blog like I am doing but you should really take twenty (20) and try answering the questions too! Note to reader: It got hard at the end, I had to go back & think harder about some of the questions but most of them came to me effortlessly. I am glad that I made the time for it! The opening was my hook, line & sinker: “Judge a person by their questions, rather than their answers … because asking the right questions is the answer.”

1. In one sentence, who are you? I am a creative, impatient, generous soul.
2. In one word, what do you live for? Family.
3. What is worth the pain? Make up sex.
4. What will you never give up on? Love.
5. What do you always try to avoid? Ignorant people.
6. What’s something you take for granted every day? My breath.
7. What do you need most right now? Sleep.
8. What’s the best advice you have ever given yourself? Count your blessings.
9. Happiness is a ________? Cuddle.
10. What would you immediately do differently if you knew no one would judge you? Where shorts.
11. What kind of people does the world need more of? People like ME.
12. What does beautiful look like in the dark? Empty.
13. What is the most beautiful thing you’ve seen today? (This one is a little forced…) My naked body.
14. What’s one problem you’re thankful you don’t have? Childhood trauma.
15. What’s something nobody could ever steal from you? My creativity.
16. Who would you like to forgive right now? Myself.
17. What is the most valuable life lesson you learned from a mistake? We have many soul mates.
18. Happiness is not ________? Constant.
19. Love is not ________? Worthless.
20. Who are you grateful for? My husband.
21. What is something you wish for everyone you love? To see the real ME.
22. What impact do you want to leave on the people you love? An indelible impression that they matter.
23. What’s something simple that makes you smile? A wild flower.
24. Life is too short to tolerate _______? Republicans. (Drew a blank here, so took a cheap shot.)
25. What’s something negative you think about too often? Why doesn’t anyone understand me? (I am most certainly flawed but filled with good intentions.)
26. What’s something positive you try to keep in mind when negativity surrounds you? God made me this way.
27. What’s something you’ve grown to appreciate, as you’ve grown older? Listening takes time. (I really need to re-read that!)
28. What’s something that used to scare you, but no longer does? Sleeping in the dark.
29. My life would be a lot different without _______? My son.
30. What gives you hope? The sunrise.
31. What do you have total confidence in? My marriage. (It has taken me years to say that!)
32. What chance are you given every single day? To start anew.
33. What do you want to remember forever? The support I got from my parents.
34. What do you appreciate most about your current situation? That I am a pedestrian.
35. What do you always look forward to? My husband coming home after work.
36. What the world needs now is _______? More yoga.
37. What recently reminded you of how fast time flies? Seeing an application I submitted over eighteen (18) months ago.
38. If you were going to die at midnight, what would you be doing at 11:45pm? Gently resting nestled in the arms of my loved ones.
39. What’s something everyone should be able to say before they die? Don’t give up.
40. What’s something that doesn’t have an ending? Soul searching.

DIY Life Coach

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Hey Life (Coach)! Here’s what you need to know about ME before we get started!

At a young age, pre HS, I found God. In 1998 I left the Catholic Church & found Yoga, Buddhism/ Hinduism. Since I have had many life experiences including being diagnosed Bipolar about 10 years ago after a psychotic break. (Note: I am not your typical bipolar, I suffer little in comparison to the mainstream.) I have been married to an (East) Indian for almost six (6) years and have a vibrant almost five (5) year old son, we have lived in Macau most of my son’s life.

I got certified as a Yoga Instructor last year but am a soft teacher, into stress relief & restoration, so didn’t attract many students nor provide enough offerings. I really took the month off for YTT for my son, so that I could better serve him but that has proven to have had its downfalls as I am now aware that I really need/needed to serve myself. My spirit. My soul.

Further, you need to know that I firmly believe that I am in the process of evolving, awakening… but lately it’s been a struggle because I feel very isolated. My husband works long hours & my social calendar is somewhat limited to dinner dates with my son, if not partly by choice. (QT with the family is very important to us.) I am aware that there is more that unites us than divides us, in this world, but I have been experiencing a duality of the light and the dark.

And so I have decided, I want to stop struggling and become my own best friend – enjoy my own company. I want to make healthy choices; choosing what I need most over what I want at the moment. I want to create constancy – level out the discrepancies between the waves for optimal mind/body/soul health. I want to deeply/truly accept that my life does not have to be like a roller coaster but can be more like the ocean. I understand that that is sometimes turbulent but on average just fluctuates with Mother Nature. And I can thank Dyer for this one: “I want peace; the result of retraining my mind to process life as it is rather than as I think it should be”.

This is my blog & I am writing a Screenplay; an autobiography. I think perusing the last 10/15 or so posts will give you an idea of who I am and where I am at. I suspect that with this letter to you, my battery is just low, as I believe that I am close & yet so very far away from living my life to the fullest! Frankly, I don’t know what’s wrong with me – I have everything a girl could want and more.

And so Life (Coach), I most look forward to hearing how you think that you could help me reach my goals but more importantly I think we need to start with a simple question “Do you think that we are compatible?”.

One (1) day sober

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The title however catching is deceiving; my goal is not sobriety. Gratefully I never hit rock bottom but I hit my bottom. If you can appreciate that, you understand that most things are relative!

My relationship with alcohol started at a young age. It started innocuously; I was just ‘experimenting’ but I grew to abuse it over the years – I used it to self medicate. As of late I have a drink everyday; sometimes as little as 1 (one) but occasionally as many as 4 (four). I’ve been in denial, for much too long that my drinking is in fact is a problem and the denial has made matters worse; not unlike the big belly Pooh got from his honey pot!

Whether your aware of it or not, alcohol is everywhere you go. It’s so very accessible that I don’t know how people entirely abstain from it! The temptations are harder than I can possibly imagine. That said however I can appreciate coming to the conclusion: “it’ s just not serving me any longer”! That was the conclusion I had until I had long discussions with my best friend, husband & psychiatrist!

In short, they don’t think that I fit the alcoholic profile. I trust that they all have my best interest at heart and we are all very well aware of the bipolar/alcohol relationship but they all have drawn the same conclusion and suggested that I start by giving myself a quota. i.e. seven (7) glasses a week. If I drink all seven (7) in one night at dinner with friends, so be it. Or if I choose, I could enjoy one (1) glass a day. Once I learn to moderate it, I can taper off. The point is not to punish myself nor go overboard and abstain forever.

There’s a famous quote that Albert Einstein said: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I may very well want different results, as I now appreciate that my self-medicating has gone on far too long. What I want now is to be restored to sanity!

And so my theory goes: Discipline can restore me to sanity, writing can restore me to sanity, more meditation & yoga can restore me to sanity! I am not going to find sanity in another glass of wine!

And so I have taken the first step and set a quota. I pray that God helps me find new & improved ways to cope with the daily grind. I trust that she will as I have opened myself to her. With that I am considering the possibility of a life coach to ensure my short term success!

got a bathtub?

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As I writhed in my bed, desperate to get back to sleep, after being rudely awaken by some noisy tourists the other night, my husband had a novel idea; he suggested that I take a bath!

??? It did not compute! That’s not something that I can recall doing since I was either pregnant or when my son was a newborn… Mind you, I take baths all the time, well every other day, BUT those are more work and most certainly not like the bath that I had then nor am having now, for pleasure!

If you haven’t taken a real bath, a water bath, in a while I don’t know how to impress upon you that you should. The title of this post is a play on the “got milk?” campaign & my feeble attempt to get you to take a water bath more. I for one am going to continue to try, perhaps not after I put my son to bed, that’s QT time for my hub and I, but after I wake up my computer in the middle of the night & write.

…but before I diminish what I do here let me share that frankly, it occurs to me that, my blogging is a mental bath! Writing cleanses my soul. Often I just have to get things off my chest in order to move on. If your like me I encourage you to try it all the more!

And with that comes the realisation that you may already do; there are many more blogs out there than we know about. My best friend has a blog, it’s old school & called a journal. It may very well be much more accessible to her than this here is to ME, as she keeps it in her purse, but I wonder if it’s as constructive!?

Although I envy her pen to paper, my journals were/are never constructive they were/are mere recordings and a place to bitch, whine & complain… I didn’t come to realisations the way that I do here when I write and I think that’s because I have you, an audience. I have someone to write for, someone to edit for. My blog challenges me to attempt to complete a thought, come full circle, find answers, suggest solutions…

It’s unrealistic, today as I’ve just rediscovered the water bath, to think that I am strong enough to suppress my extroversion and reach for the faucet first to cure my insomnia – often I feel that I am going to burst if I do not record myself, either verbally or in written form!? Writhing in bed, tossing and turning, alone with my thoughts, is a royal waste of time. Soaking in a tub while writing seems so much more productive, no?

It is important now to note that a deep(er) relaxation is coming from having a good sit, reflecting on the fact that Rome wasn’t built in one day. I am no different. I am a work in progress! Unless your a genius or child prodigy, great things take an inordinate amount of time. Even small things like a good cup of tea needs to brew, coffee needs to percolate & fine wine needs to age!

The change indicative of such a realisation that I need to be patient, to take time, to respect the natural order of things! Change is hard & doesn’t come overnight but if I make more time for baths I trust that slowly & for good… the inner fulfilment that I seek from honouring my calling will come. I may not be able to run today but I certainly can see myself tip toeing toward the light and perhaps that’s just the sign that I am looking for – the sign of a good bath?

Note to reader: It’s bad for us to wake up our devices in the middle of the night… I recently read in BP Hope: “Prolonged exposure to our devices at night throws off the natural cycle of melatonin production, a hormone that regulates our sleep-wake rhythms. People with bipolar tend to be especially susceptible to such disruptions – which is why experts recommend both maintains a regular sleep schedule and shutting off your computer or phone early in the evening.”