Being Bipolar isn't EASY

and the Art of Slowing it Down

Category Archives: General

A Lenten Sacrafice

Sometimes it’s not what’s directly in front of us that is clearest but it’s what is really happening behind the scenes.

And so, I say it again because I think I deleted it.

Resolutions associated with (Western) New Years are over rated! The cleaning/rebirth that comes alive with Spring suits me best or so I have to believe.

…I did make mention that I’ve hit my bottom. The bottom of neglect. For myself – for my body and mind have you – this is a Mental health feed. But it goes deeper than that, sadly it’s clear that it’s inside.

My inner world, my spirit, on a cellular level really concerns me. The awakenings that I have had with the spanking of my son are profound.

And so, in keeping with the “I WANT TO THRIVE” as a parent, yogi, human, …bipolar theme, I have decided to follow a late great ladies advice & “lay it at his feet”. … The short of that is that I have decided to honor Lent by giving up vino!!!!? We already know that it’s much easier to reach for a drink to escape from the daily grind & life’s disappointments but I’m gonna do it!

I’m not a practicing Catholic & the reference to “he” rubs me the wrong way but in the spirit of Fresh Starts – I don’t want to throw the baby out w/ the bath water – I’m gonna surrender.

I’m gonna finally surrender and then I’m gonna surrender again! I’m gonna lay my dysfunctional ways at the Universe’s proverbial feet in hopes of deepening my faith – expanding my heart – increasing my relationship with the divine.

I’m not going to give in to safe & easy anymore. I’m gonna re-route the neuro pathways!

The weather is often less harsh in Spring & therefor, in truth, it should be far easier. But make no mistake about it. This much is true. My foundation in the Spirit was once much stronger.

So much so that I’m not sure anymore what my Yoga of late has taught me. I’m wondering even what did I ever learn under my parents wing & protection? In Sunday school? In church?

Will I be mine?

It seems that I am alone. Well not really, I have solid friends & a great family (Mr. Remarkable), but hypothetically speaking and in so far that we all are. It seems that no one can do this: thrive vs. survive thing but me.

My quagmire might be moderate but it’s a quagmire nonetheless and it’s STUBBORN. But I am drawing a line in the sand and allowing, operative word allow, this to be my rock bottom. Treading water is only attractive in so far that it is easy. And easy, I remind you – oh once ambitious one – isn’t where the glory is at.

I have been feeling a certain desperation lately and I don’t know, I don’t have the answer, but I think it’s a call to commit. Commit to answer the Universe’s call to love myself.

And so this Valentines Day (2018), I proclaim that: I love myself.

I am going to accept the responsibility to take care of myself and stop my self sabotataging ways. I am going to try my best, against the odds. To honor love and respect me. All me. The good, the bad & the ugly.

But I ask: How do I commit? How do I put action behind these words? Can I really draw a line in the sand? How is today any different from two weeks ago? Two months ago? Two years ago? Or five for that matter??

I dunno. I just have to believe. Believe in the power of love.

Time to talk

It’s still “Time to Talk” somewhere…

And so I further share many people are most comfortable talking to me personally and I find that extremely worthy/valuable. But isn’t it really most curious about societies comfort level. I find it FASCINATING in fact???

That shared, although most fortunate & grateful for my connections, I am often saddened that people – the majority, in fact – feel that they need to hide their trials & tribulations and I struggle with how “private”, a.k.a. kept on the DL (down-low) undercover, our intimate conversations are.

It motivates me frankly to be all the more open (which mind you is both alienating & I reiterate sadly alienates) to show that there is no shame in very vunerable. IMO it is often most meaningful!

In large part even though this (new & improved) feed of mine is still in the beginning stages, it has been ruminated over for years, I make an important mention today. You may read/ deliberate/ remember on your own and not respond w/ a comment or a like AND that is o-kay BUT I ask you to pls consider this: mental health to quote my cousin about a recent teenage suicide in her community “is clearly a multi-layered issue with no clear path to help….except communication”.

So I encourage you to help me, help us bust the Stigma. Reduce the isolation & shame and challenge you to communicate even if you feel uncomfortable.

*Note to reader: This was originally posted on Instagram with the (UK) hashtag #timetotalk. You can find me @jessicakaushik for smaller FUN stuff.

I yield to God

Warning: The following is highly personal & daily LOVE from one of many fearless leaders blogging today

I yield to God or at least I think I can. How well or not well one knows one another has little bearing in SM (Social Media) IMO. Matters little where care/concern, voices/truths are expressed/considered. But alas there in lies my problem with the crickets (I LOVE your hearts): so much is wasted largely on part of keeping up with the Jone’s and FOMO (fear of missing out).

It’s a much more powerful tool than we allow. Try as I might to make it a better tool. A tool that I both need and want. A complete luxury, I am aware WordPress. You have my permission to go ahead & crown ME.

But ppl, you ppl, are so much better than Google in a land with few Western or English resources. I post here to work things out and am most grateful that you listen but I’d really like to chat more with you; listen to your advice.

Maybe look at my naivety this way? ATM moment for all intents and purposes I am nobody & have done little. I might have 1000 friends/followers between FB, IG & WP – some are duplicates – and that’s GREAT. Really great!

But Leo, The Nerdy Lion, here is most right!

All my blogging, posts, replies & personal and intimate emails (writing) with friends etc.. have been enough. I have found my Voice. I need not look ANY further.

I have most everything that I need besides your chirping lol and so I declined a suggestion to learn how to speak from the Heart (which I am to do in my writing) by taking a class. I’m just gonna write the fcuking book.

There I said it.

Now I have to do it! <inject utter & daunting fear> MVMB, now I have fear… If you follow me here – you know: vulnerability is my path.

I need not be normal nor popular. And I do not have the desire for approval nor recognition. Certainly nobody needs to give me permission. 🙂

But I do desperately desire to know if what concerns me resonates or makes one think or is supportive. It effects the keeping up with the Jone’s and the FOMO’s – a well known human behavior. But it took me so many years to understand that I do have it, because many of you that I follow here or elsewhere or have read etc. (you get the point) have it! So #thankyou.

I deeply thank you for your existence because, and I quote Dani Shapiro, it’s our job, our responsibility (good word responsibility), perhaps even our sacred calling to take whatever life has handed us.

Easier is NOT Recovery

I don’t need to tell you – but I’m going to, it’s a hard knock life!

Like I made mention Tuesday was it? I am allowing the housework to still get to ME. Yes “allow”. Yes poor “me”. (Lol. Pity me not. I’m really spoiled rotten <White, American, comfortably unemployed… this list goes on> and just having a moment. In large part due the stress, the work that I create for myself, that will pass when I get this off my chest.)

I’m just not used to it & I had other plans for January. A little thing called 2018… Damn expectations! Looks like many a thing will be put ON HOLD until Spring.

And I don’t know about you but, as a consequence, it’s so much more ?enjoyable, is that the right word – that can’t be the right word, to do what is …easier! Ah the right word is that dirty little word “easier”. So let’s just be clear shall we? (For my sake, not yours.) Easier is not recovery. Easier is NOT mindfulness. But my point, about enjoyable, is that sometimes easier bring a levity/joy that we all need.

Nonetheless it reminds me of a quote that I just stumbled on & is now irking me – like the word irks? (I do) – ATM; …winners do daily what losers refuse to do. Or a better one, on my son’s school tee in fact (gotta love a good school) …Winners train & Losers complain.

What I don’t understand is why am I such a Loser? I love life. In fact I LOVE MY LIFE! Have v little to complain about, but in some ways I am complaining here. Read on & in a sec you’ll see why!

I clearly see that I still at 44 have a lot to work out. That is not a problem – the problem is with that I must put away the #negative selftalk (‘cuz I drank three glasses of wine last night, at this fragile time, I know better so this morning I’m a little fuzzy and I feel like a Loser – I’m smarter than that, not stronger) but like the adage – old habits die hard – it’s easy to beat myself up!

It was so v unrealistic of me to think one would cut the edge. ONE never cuts the edge!

It tastes and feels so good, most – if your like me – go for two. Or, shame on me, three last night. Yeah, okay – okay it’s not the end of the world, it was only three, but it was the wrong “break” to take. It was not in my best interest nor self care – which I need the more time for right now to be a G.O.L.F., Goddess of Light & Fun.

After all these years – I really know better <insert sigh> but to my point; I did what was easier.

And now, after another restless night, my activity online has been excessive this week and I am as impulsive as, well, always. Just feel like I am back to ground zero – because I tossed and turned beating myself up – up down, up down, up down… and now I feel like I am back to ground zero – because I tossed and turned beating myself up, which is mania really. Up down, up down, up down… that’s making me SAD. And I’m so v afraid of sad!

Ironically I am starting a cleanse today that I forgot Rahul & I had planned (that’s also not v mindful but damn if I don’t use this gift of a cleanse to think) and I cleaned the house yesterday so we’d have little to do today – so we could just enjoy a mindless family day on the PS4 and slow down this mania.

Wish me & my small nucleus luck? Mr. Remarkable has been working so v hard for him, his team, me/us, work lately – he needs a good funday & we all know remarkable boy wonder deserves it! And I/we really can’t afford a slip/setback at the moment.

I’m a REAL Princess

Drum roll please? …I’ve decided not to keep my Pen Name, Princess Marksalot. Not to bore you but, while I mourn through it, I’d like to share again that it did have meaning.

One of my Grandmothers, sweet Gma Kay, was an albeit far – lol – descendant of American Indian royalty (so that makes me a REAL Princess) and in Architecture School amongst other more figurative aspects of my life – I’m an editor. As embarrassing as it is, I never mustered a professional grade balsa wood model but I was voted most poetic. 🤗

And, those that follow me closely know that I’m always neurotically editing my Social Media posts, my blogs etc.. So I’ll give you a little insight. (I love being an open book.) I don’t think anything is ever FINAL – and as a Creative constantly designing… as if life’s demonstrable motto is, and everything that I do, an ever evolving work of Art – dare I say masterpiece???

Yeah, I know that that might sound a ‘lil grandiose (I am bipolar & I didn’t sleep much last night) but am most comfortable w/ that so feel free to sprinkle rainbow fairy dust on me, will ya??? I also love using a proverbial eraser ✏️ and the lead smudges that come with it. So do you get it now? Marks a lot???

Further I’m all abt Kintsugi pottery, hence the picture here. If you don’t know, as told by the Modern Gypsy: “Kintsugi is the Japanese art of mending broken objects using gold or silver epoxy. The Japanese believe that when something has suffered damage (and suffer mental damage I did/do) and has a history (that we all do too), it becomes more beautiful”. I see ME, my motto, really the same thing… so maybe I should have been Princess Kintsugi, always in a state of “golden repair”, but it’s kinda too late to change as I’ve been branded.

Those that matter will stay. Those that hate it will unfollow me. And that’s a-okay b/c I aim to show you that I care!! …get it marks a lot (of people). Quick – somebody call a doctor? I am delusional. 😂 😂 😂 I’ll shut up after I say this: it’s all so v personal – how to recover from Mental Illness, there is NO Cure! We’re all so v different.

Make me not belabor you but remind you of a little thing called DNA… So for those of you reading this that do not suffer, as poorly, mentally. We all suffer some IMO. We desperately need to get comfortable with this uncomfortable space.

We all really need to get past our insecurities, is that the right word, fear might be a better word… and talk abt Mental Health to bust the stigma. So say Goodbye to Princess Marksalot, with me – will ya?

I mean well. 🙏 your new & improving, Jessica Kaushik

The Bipolar Diet

eat like it matters

I’ll have you know, after I wrote the recent probiotics article, I sought out a nutritionist with an Ayurvedic background, as I couldn’t very well volunteer my services to be the APA’s lab rat living in Macau (China).

She quickly educated me that mental illnesses are considered in the family of Vata imbalances (Vata is one of the three Dosha’s in the Yogic Science of Ayurveda). I have read that Vata imbalances can cause a myriad of mental health problems- including anxiety, restlessness & fear– which can get in the way of so many of us.

I have known for years that I test Pitta on my Ayurvedic questionnaires but I never considered that something else might be out of balance I just thought that I had too much fire.

That might be too much detail for now. My nutritionist put me on a warm food diet, which was hard because I love salads – I eat so many salads for not only the crunch & the dynamic flavors but to also consciously to keep my weight down. I have no shame admitting that I was nervous about eating warm meals, I am fairly vain & do enjoy being on the slimmer side of life. I was encouraged to monitor my portions, practice self-control.

She advised me to:

  • Drink Kombucha before & after every meal, just a few mouthfuls.
  • Focus on Sweet, Sour & Salty foods & by sweet she mean fruits & natural sugars
  • Soak my almonds & seeds, now my Mother-In-Law soaks her almonds but I never knew that one should consider doing that with seeds… apparently it does something with the enzymes which makes your body more receptive to the nutrients
  • Cook with ghee, as it’s the best fat for us – luckily my husband is Indian, we already had ghee at home
  • Limit my coffee & alcohol consumption to one per day if not avoid all together
  • East less meat
  • Avoid spicy food
  • Avoid cold drinks

My sleeping also dramatically improved. I went from restless nights to sleeping like a baby for eight hours straight… until I veered off the diet.

We had one socially intense weekend a few weekends back and I got off track. It’s been hard to realign my efforts with this special diet because it is not routine yet. But as I do slowly, again I am seeing positive results in the sleeping department. And that means better days; reacting less to my friends & family because I am well rested and can remain more centred. It makes me be a better person to be around.

But don’t believe me, by the offset that my nutritionists suspicions are correct, I encourage you to read another one of Chopra’s articles: “Understanding Vata: Minimize Stress and Feed Your Creativity”.

What’s that? Minimize stress? Feed your creativity? Sounds like a dream for us Bipolar’s! I trust you can Google it & decide to try it or not for yourself.

I’m Coming Out

It’s been a while. I know. Forgive me? But maybe you have noticed on Facebook that I am blogging for BP Magazine? My current profile is but I aim to update that soon.

But that’s going to change here in a few minutes as I aim to retire my pseudonym. <insert a BIG sigh of relief>

So without further ado, my name is Jessica. I don’t have another picture that captures ME & my spirit to post here today so I refer you to People tell me that I haven’t changed much since 2003 when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and not the onset of a mental illness. (I had yet to have a psychotic break!) In retrospect I was just severely depressed and in the wrong semi-intimate relationship, at that point in my evolution.

That said this picture that I shared here holds a precious moment in my history! It was taken moments before I drove a small U-haul with all of my belongings (I was leaving my partner) from Paradise Valley, AZ… no joke I lived in “Paradise” to my parents home where I temporarily set up base before moving to Washington, DC.

What I was projecting at the time remains the same message that I would hope my ex remembers today: ‘It’s all good. I love & forgive you.’ So please do take a look and have a read about me here my interview if you’d like to put a face with a name. It will allow you to get to know me better.

That shamelessly plugged, I am most grateful for my following here and on Facebook. Combined I can count almost five hundred (500) followers and five thousand (5000) views. <insert smile> I took the time to quantify that figure because, although I may not know you by name nor banter with you often, your presence keeps my heart warm on my loneliest days, at any hour around the globe! I wanted to communicate that you matter to me! You count!!

I’ll have you know that in the Fall of 2014 I came out of the closet to my closest family & friends. There is evidence here:

Since then it has been an …’interesting’ road learning how to advocate in the public eye for the Bipolar and to raise Mental Health awareness. I am troubled by my use of ‘interesting’, I guess it has been educating, an eye opening of my body, mind and soul.

Under my personal & private Facebook Profile I have shared countless articles supporting our need to make Mental Health a family conversation, a political conversation. I wouldn’t say that people aren’t listening but I will say that it may be falling on deaf ears! My three hundred (300) or so “friends” aren’t liking nor commenting much on those posts! And so I have concluded that I don’t think that people know how to talk about it… <insert sigh> Will we ever win?

That said, today, now… I’m throwing away all my masks and coordinating capes and gowns and making my true identity known to the public! Primarily because I am tired of juggling so many accounts but also because I realize that the general public may never see my Screenplay. The reasons are countless but the main ones follow:

  • I want to be transparent, I no longer require anonymity. I am feeling afraid at present so I want to shout out to the World: Be not afraid!
  • I want to release any distance that I feel from you, my readers, as we share stories. I have an instinct that knowing my real identity will allow us to speak more personally and specifically with one another.
  • I want to open myself to accountability. Blogging is not brain surgery and I doubt that I would ever run for a political office. The identities of my loved ones archived herein will forever remain as I originally shared.

I have come to my senses and recognise that my Screenplay is a pipe dream! After seeing the Touched with Fire trailer I don’t trust that my story will gain much ground. It’s okay. I haven’t given up but I am at peace with it and I don’t want to delay the inevitable any longer . Here and now, you are my witness, I release any and all visions of grandeur with respect to it!

You see, in the beginning I was terrified that there was truth behind my conspiracies and that I wasn’t just psychotic! I feared for my identity, the identity of my family & my closest friends (most, if not all, played a role in my delusions, I trust that many of you know how it goes). As I shared my experiences with mania and depression in, I’d like to believe, great graphic expression and clarity.

One of my favourites was:

But you should, if you haven’t, really read:

Today, my goal has become to join mainstream and help break down the walls of ignorance that divide us on Mental Health issues.

And with that I would really like to wrap up a solid & comprehensive First Draft of my Screenplay, if only to serve as a keepsake for my son and then really start evaluating doing a Short with my younger sister, an actress in LA! She looks like ME and she’s got unbelievable heart and talent!

That’s quite a bit from ME for today… I thank you for taking this first step with ME.

I hope to inspire you to share your stories as well! If not in a blog, with one of your closest friends or family; the ones that have known you the longest. The dynamics of many of my relationships have changed since I came out and I am tickled to share that I am more empowered now. I repeat, practically fear free!

Trust that I’ll first & foremost always be your Princess. ;) Light and love to you & yours. This feels good!

p.s. I will not close my Facebook Page, Being Bipolar Isn’t Easy, so we can continue our discussions there!

Is God out there or in here?


I don’t know about you BUT I believe that my faith is in large part responsible for my stability. Even when I was totally psychotic and undedicated I was able to hold my shit together & conceal it from others for months at a time. (You’ll note that I have no idea what the psychological ramifications are of that.)


And so, to get the conversation rolling, I share with you now that I recently stumbled upon two (2) questions that I diligently saved to ponder at the appropriate time. I.e. When I was ready! In no shape or form am I “certified” to answer these questions. I am no expert on the topic, I merely have had a relationship with God since I was in my early teens!? So I can only start from a co-creative space!


But now that I say that, I am reminded that God presented him/herself to me much earlier. When I was about five (5) I guess. For a long while, often in the morning after a good nights sleep, I would regale to my mother about my OTHER mother. The one that came to me in my dreams!


She was every imaginable color in the Universe. Not only her medusa like hair? was colorful but her garb was not unlike Joseph’s in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Part of me wonders today if my Mother might have seen the Musical when I was in her womb as it did hit the stage in 1973, the year that I as born. …But that is highly unlikely it didn’t hit Broadway until about ten (10) years later AND my parents lived in Ohio at the time. Suffice it to say I am comfortable with the idea that she may have read about it!


But more about my OTHER mother. She had a gazillion children. In real life I only had one (1) sister, five (5) years my senior. But in my dreams I was part of a much larger family. I had brothers and sisters, each a solid color. I may have been purple, to this day it remains my favorite color but regretfully, I have no idea what color I was! <insert sigh> And we had pets! Our pets were striped, polka dotted and zig zagged as you may have guessed by now! We lived in beautiful rolling hills not unlike those in the Sound of Music… You can imagine, at five (5)?, I loved my rainbow colored and patterned family and our slice of heaven on what I perceived to be earth!


But I digress. Now that you have a small inkling of where I am coming from, I will share the questions that I found so valuable to store away in a safe place for a rainy day, or in this case a sleepless night. Again, I am no expert I am merely in a Spiritual Partnership with the Creator of All there is & ever was… So here goes nothing!


1) Are we a part of God or are we separate entirely?


Uh! Definitely, a part of God/Universe.


As I share with my son. God lives in us. We live in God. We humans are merely the shells protecting our truths. The truth that everything that there ever was began and continues to persist out of great love.


Practically every morning after I sing “Rise & Shine and give God your glory” I put on Elizabeth Mitchell’s “So Glad I’m here”. If you don’t know it I encourage you to check it out. In one version, she starts by clapping! <insert smile> It’s terribly uplifting! And she goes on to say “Love brought me here” and I am confident that that’s the ultimate truth!


2) Is God out there or in here?


Oh! Maybe I already answered this? …I repeat: God lives in us. We live in God. So I guess, if you allow, I will say: both! Typically I don’t like to stand on the fence. I have been known to be a very pick sides kind of girl. Very principled.


The more I commit to my meditation practice, the deeper I get, the less I see, I know that the bliss that I feel is emanating from inside of ME! It’s an awesome and humbling feeling that I hope and pray many of you know.


But the amazing stuff is that we all get to witness, when we open our eyes and hearts, I believe, is that God is all around us. The Universe is working for us, every second of everyday.


With that I leave you with this seed of advice. Accept the disease if you will, disorder if you prefer, that the Creator of All things has bestowed on you, me, us… Be grateful for the insight and awareness that dealing with a …misfortune teaches you on your, operative word “your”, path in this lifetime. Consider how you can help/relate to others, potentially in different circumstances due to your diagnosis.


If you already pray consider starting a different practice just sit/stand/walk/ lie down and quiet your mind by not holding on to your thoughts, let everything that arises in you go, so that you can listen to yourself. And breathe. Feel your body fill with life on your inhale and release any & all negative crapola on your exhale. Some call it meditating, I wouldn’t go so far. I call it centering.


You can do it any time of day to reach your belief system.

It’s so Easy!


It’s so easy! I repeat: it’s SO easy for our loved ones to shift the focus to us; to avoid their own problem child!! I for one, as a blogger know this first hand!!! IMO because I try to honestly and diplomatically share some of my inner most feelings publicly here I get condemned for it at home!?


Everyone thinks that my husband is so gentle and tolerant but I no longer see those qualities as often as others do! :| In the beginning those were the qualities that attracted me to him but to my point I have to work hard to find other things attractive today. I trust that you can read between the lines. If my husband mistreats anyone, it’s ME!


Today, and I mean this morning; I got blamed for his disappointment with our much-needed conversation about a financial matter. One thing led to another and it was a snowball, after minute seven (7) we no longer knew what we were talking about… much to my surprise we were talking about my recent post “it’s excruciating being me” but today was the first mention of it!


Problem IMO is that my “remarkable” husband is not in touch with his inner child. Hell he is not even in touch with his brother! (Not because they are estranged but because hey do not make time for one another.) He is not in touch with the higher Spirit that brought us here today, let alone together… God bless him, he hardly has a chance to take a break to notice the finer things in life and as far as this post is concerned that includes ME! But to his credit for a few weeks last December he turned to meditation; Yoga Nidra in fact. I was hoping for the best but as life goes, those good times often fade away like ships passing in the night.


I don’t want to drown you in complaints about my husband, he’s not all bad, and all us folks in relationships can relate – we all have complaints about our better half BUT I also don’t want to bury my head in the sand… and I feel at this moment that I have no other outlet but this blog!


And so I continue because I know my husband will read this post. Honey if you’re listening: EVERYTHING is not my fault! YOUR opinion about me is so very inflexible, set in concrete in fact, and that is so very damaging to our relationship! IMO you are holding onto grudges for your own inability to achieve perfection; let alone mine! It’s high time to forgive yourself, & me, and move on!


More over it occurs to me that you are incapable of reaching into the depths of your soul and sharing yourself the way I do here. You’re a man. Most men can’t! And I will try not to blame you for that any longer but in return I ask that you give me some credit where credit is due. It may come easier to ME but it’s hard work to be this open. I dare say that it’s terribly unfair of you to use it against ME!