Being Bipolar isn't EASY

and the Art of Slowing it Down

Category Archives: Episode 11

3 Reasons I am and I am not Bipolar

1) Bipolar or not I am notorious for canceling appointments!

Whether it’s a lunch date with the girls or a trial for a new exercise routine I let life get in the way. Granted sometimes I am feeling fat, ugly or simply blue but I don’t stay the course & keep to the plan!

As of late I have been trying really hard to follow through. If I commit to something and make a date I try to not allow life to get in the way but sometimes it gets the better of ME.

Like my Crossfit trial!? Last week my husband woke ME up at twelve (12) am and so I couldn’t get back to sleep before time to go at dawn & then when I tried to make it up, I missed the bus because I was looking for a taxi and if you live in Macau, you know one thing that we have a shortage of is taxis…

But often, I am beginning to wonder if it’s an anxiety thing. So many of us have dual diagnosis’… the jury is out on that one until I can study it more with my therapist. Usually classic anxiety comes after when I think “Did she like ME?”, “Will I ever be invited back?” etc.

2) Bipolar or not I am impulsive!

Not like according to the mental health provider Eric Johnson. He says: “Bipolar mania, and the less intense hypomania, is associated with increased risk-taking behaviors like drug use, promiscuous sex, over-spending money, and other poor decisions.”

Sadly I have never been a drug user nor very promiscuous. (I imagine it’s exciting.) I have experimented, a very little, but not like the stories that I have heard in BP support groups. And luckily I’ve never had enough money to overspend. Sure I have lived paycheck to paycheck before, gladly those days are out of my purview now but I share that I know what it’s like!

But this is where Eric Johnson is right. My poor decisions involve being impatient and therefor impulsive. I am not a psychologist but I would argue that they go hand in hand! And I would bet that it ALL stems from not being mindful. That’s another thing that I am constantly working on but it can be so very difficult.

…I have a certain ‘je ne sai quoi‘ that throws caution to the wind at times. It’s quick, I can be so very quick! Like my Facebook comment on BP Magazine for Bipolar yesterday… I have it in my head that I ready to reach a greater audience. I am convinced that it would help ME spread the love. Because that is what I aim to do here, blogging, I am spewing out raw love as I try to connect with other like minded souls.

Don’t get ME wrong. There are plenty of people blogging about mental health these days, more so since Robin William’s suicide – I think… BUT naturally I think my bent is, well, special. We should all think that our work is “Special”.

Kindly take twenty (20) minutes and see this TED talk.

http://www.ted.com/playlists/301/why_we_do_the_things_we_do?utm_campaign=social&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_content=playlist&utm_term=social-science

There is great joy that people get from creating something new, and to use the little French that I remember again, sans instructions.

3) Bipolar or not I have grandiose thoughts!

To begin with, I desperately want to sell my Screenplay and have my story heard… ok, in short, yes – I want to be FAMOUS. The truth is… I haven’t told anyone this truth yet… the Truth, capitol “T”, is that I want to shed light on some misgivings that happened to ME in Washington, DC. To this date I do not believe that I was alone in my thoughts about being followed. I really think that I was followed!

For an hour, for a week – maybe a month; but certainly not as it was in my head for three (3) years!? Needless to say, I think that I drew enough attention to myself in the Nation’s Capitol, that fateful day on a stretcher that I entered George Washington’s ER kicking & screaming: Protect ME! Protect my family! Call my sister in Paris! Find out where my parents are!? There are good, well-meaning people in DC. People that want justice. People that protect the innocent… etc.

I think that my mania, hell let’s be straight – my psychosis, trapped me, my little sister and I, up in a triangle that was bigger than I was aware. One could insert the whole throw caution the wind bit again, here.

Anyways, not to be cryptic but you’ll have to wait to hear more about that story IF my Screenplay ever gets published. You did hear ME say that I desperately want it to get published right? I do hope that I can raise money to support at least a short but I really need one hundred and twenty (120) minutes to give the whole picture. I can’t imagine that ten (10) will be enough BUT we all know how some of those GoFundMe projects go.

I am not yet convinced that I can ask my friends & family to financially support my dream… it’s not like I have medical bills or lawyer bills that I cannot afford. I am not yet convinced that I will be grateful enough for a handful of people giving ME twenty (20) dollars here. Twenty (20) dollars there. It would make ME feel like a failure when I really know that I need the BIG bucks!

Note to reader. I have had my head up my Screenplay & writing for BP Magazine for Bipolar, aka BP Hope, the last two (2) months. Not only has BP Magazine recently offered ‘lil old ME more opportunities to blog for them this year, the original offer was three (3), BUT they have thrown out the possibility to post more often for them in 2016 AND they have now agreed to post some of my old fodder! So I will get more FaceTime & therefor reach more readers!? We all should be so lucky to be able to share our stories, explain ourselves and gain understanding. Then the compassion, understanding and acceptance from the mainstream will follow. I know it will follow. Hell, if your reading this & not Bipolar it’s already following!! ;)

got a bathtub?

image

As I writhed in my bed, desperate to get back to sleep, after being rudely awaken by some noisy tourists the other night, my husband had a novel idea; he suggested that I take a bath!

??? It did not compute! That’s not something that I can recall doing since I was either pregnant or when my son was a newborn… Mind you, I take baths all the time, well every other day, BUT those are more work and most certainly not like the bath that I had then nor am having now, for pleasure!

If you haven’t taken a real bath, a water bath, in a while I don’t know how to impress upon you that you should. The title of this post is a play on the “got milk?” campaign & my feeble attempt to get you to take a water bath more. I for one am going to continue to try, perhaps not after I put my son to bed, that’s QT time for my hub and I, but after I wake up my computer in the middle of the night & write.

…but before I diminish what I do here let me share that frankly, it occurs to me that, my blogging is a mental bath! Writing cleanses my soul. Often I just have to get things off my chest in order to move on. If your like me I encourage you to try it all the more!

And with that comes the realisation that you may already do; there are many more blogs out there than we know about. My best friend has a blog, it’s old school & called a journal. It may very well be much more accessible to her than this here is to ME, as she keeps it in her purse, but I wonder if it’s as constructive!?

Although I envy her pen to paper, my journals were/are never constructive they were/are mere recordings and a place to bitch, whine & complain… I didn’t come to realisations the way that I do here when I write and I think that’s because I have you, an audience. I have someone to write for, someone to edit for. My blog challenges me to attempt to complete a thought, come full circle, find answers, suggest solutions…

It’s unrealistic, today as I’ve just rediscovered the water bath, to think that I am strong enough to suppress my extroversion and reach for the faucet first to cure my insomnia – often I feel that I am going to burst if I do not record myself, either verbally or in written form!? Writhing in bed, tossing and turning, alone with my thoughts, is a royal waste of time. Soaking in a tub while writing seems so much more productive, no?

It is important now to note that a deep(er) relaxation is coming from having a good sit, reflecting on the fact that Rome wasn’t built in one day. I am no different. I am a work in progress! Unless your a genius or child prodigy, great things take an inordinate amount of time. Even small things like a good cup of tea needs to brew, coffee needs to percolate & fine wine needs to age!

The change indicative of such a realisation that I need to be patient, to take time, to respect the natural order of things! Change is hard & doesn’t come overnight but if I make more time for baths I trust that slowly & for good… the inner fulfilment that I seek from honouring my calling will come. I may not be able to run today but I certainly can see myself tip toeing toward the light and perhaps that’s just the sign that I am looking for – the sign of a good bath?

Note to reader: It’s bad for us to wake up our devices in the middle of the night… I recently read in BP Hope: “Prolonged exposure to our devices at night throws off the natural cycle of melatonin production, a hormone that regulates our sleep-wake rhythms. People with bipolar tend to be especially susceptible to such disruptions – which is why experts recommend both maintains a regular sleep schedule and shutting off your computer or phone early in the evening.”

Life is a dance

image

After reading this post, you may add “snob” to my growing list of nicknames – it wouldn’t be the first time. In college I wouldn’t eat a bagel outside of NYC – forget the frozen ones… & when I lived in PHX, second retirement capitol in the USA to LV, I imported my coffee from Portland on a small Architectural salary while my ex boyfriend, Scum Lazy-Ass Moron, covered my rent!?

So you can only imagine that the story now continues. Sadly I have to accept that in some ways I have changed very little. After all that I have seen in my short forty-one (41) years, I have a really hard time saying that developing countries are “beautiful”! It’s somewhat technical and most certainly reflective of my quest for the perfect words in life but in my narrow world view, I think there should be another word for them… Ever since my first trip to India, in 2009, I have been searching for a new term!

I’d like to say that the people and the experiences they afford are beautiful; and IMO they have been and continue to be – unforgettably so, but I am beginning to wonder if I only appreciate them because I grew up in America, in an arguably privileged household.

It’s not just mainstream Design/Architecture that is missing in third world countries but on average much of the landscapes are barren and dry, the infrastructure is sometimes poorly designed but most often tattered & many of the people, it fascinates me to note through their endless smiles, look tired and their street clothes are often dingy – forever spoiled by the inordinate amount of hand washing.

If that last paragraph makes you feel disdain for me, please consider forgiving me, I am only now finally beginning to understand that I am one of those “Sploit American’s” that so much of the world snickers about.

Short of taking away from that acknowledgment; I’d like to come full circle and back to what place this post has in a bipolar blog…

As I lay in bed and reflect on the theme of my accepted Screenplay and autobiography let me remember what Arianna Hufgington said: ‘Life is a Dance Between Making It Happen & Letting It Happen’… Although I have just begun to tap into my hero’s message, my understanding is that it has something to do with answering the questions: “What is really important?”

Many of you might think that I should have arrived at the answer by now but I am still on this road hoping to learn to pass with less judgement and deeply accept that although we share so many commonalities, our countries, our families, our afflictions are so very different! And short of rejecting myself and diving off the deep end into a pity party, that’s what I think that we all need to embrace. Like them or not, our differences make the world go around!

And with the recognition of that at 3am, I am going to close my eyes and pray. I am going thank our dearest Universe for my teachers – my lessons then & my lessons now. I want to thank the Creator of all things for the extraordinary gift of travel, I feel light years ahead of where I could have been if I were held captive in my homeland. I want to ask that the Spirit Guides and Deities help me to keep it real & to share the finer things that are within my control; appreciation, compassion and love for one another – may it come to me freely and easily. But most importantly I need to remember to thank God for bringing me here to the tip of this iceberg; hopefully I’ll figure out what life is all about, act accordingly & grow deeply and profoundly beyond my wildest dreams!

Note to reader: The picture above was taken on my first elephant trek! Imagine your own possibilities as you realise that little girl from Akron Ohio road an elephant in Thailand!

An Interview with ME

0207_AZ

This is a picture of ME! Can you believe it? After all these years, I am posting a real picture of me, HERE? Caroline Myss’s snap shot, that I posted earlier today (OH wait! That was yesterday…) encouraged me to do it! So, IF you see me on the street, feel free to stop me in my tracks (I like to make tracks) and say hello? I’d love to know what you think about my blog! That said, you still might have to call ME, Princess Marksalot as I am not considering to reveal my real name to the general public until I finish my Screenplay… am thinking that that will be my real debut! Am still tossing some names around for it but it might be called “Being Bipolar isn’t EASY” or bBiE for short… That said, I do intend to share more of my crazy stories one day, they will certainly be in the movie, but as of late it’s been all these posts have been FEEL GOOD… so read on? Get to know ME more intimately?

Who are you? I’m Princess Marksalot; a.k.a. my childhood hero: Pippi! Or you could “Call ME Cliff”, that’s a private joke but I’d probably respond!

Date of Birth? Oh that’s a touchy subject, I’ll give you the year BUT people in my immediate family are super paranoid about identity theft… so suffice it to say, I like to keep them happy & will share, 1973! …I am an OX according to the Chinese Zodiac and a Virgo in the West.

Where do you come from? All over! I was born in Akron then I moved to Germanton (Memphis) at the age of three. I think after that I went to Dallas, then on to Phoenix and New Canaan. My dad was climbing a corporate ladder… which fell out from under him when I started college. During my stint in New Canaan, I was an exchange student in Lisboa… but I digress, I went to college in Cincinnati, DAAP was a great school – don’t know how it ranks today, but when I went t was in the top five (5) for Architecture Schools! During my stint in Ohio again, I was an exchange student in Kobenhaven. (The most beautiful women in the world live in Kobenhaven… note to self, I do not live there!) oh & also New York – how could I forget New York?! I spent most if not all of my co-ops in NYC… After graduating, I moved to New York close to my best friend and my older sister. I fell in love, hard, and followed Scum Lazy-ass Moron, as we will forever refer to him, back to Phoenix. When that fell apart I moved to DC, where I proceeded to loose my mind?! But I loved every second of it! Then to save myself from drowning in my own thunderstorm, I moved to Las Vegas, met my night in shining armor, had a child & begun a life as an expat in Macao (China).

What do you live for? My family. My interests are Architecture, Graphic Design, Photography, cooking, party planning (I love planning a good party), Yoga, traveling & of course writing but I live for my family. One day I hope to live for something greater, …am currently learning how to be a Bipolar & Yoga advocate but my family keeps me going! I am a pretty good wife, mom, daughter & sister if you ask ME, but I am biased of course…

What project ‘s’ are you working on? Well, I have this blog that I get around to in my spare time, which is usually when insomnia strikes, and I have three (3) Facebook pages one for the blog, one for yoga and my own of course (I really love connection). I teach Yoga out of my home, I just became a teacher this year, and dream of opening a Studio one day! Then there’s my 7th Wedding Anniversary party and a Wellness Day in Macao & my Hindi lessons… but, the coolest project by far, outside my son – can I call my son a “project”? lol – is my Screenplay! That I am really proud of! It’s an autobiography & starts with ME getting handcuffed during my first psychotic break in front of Starbucks on Connecticut Avenue in Dupont circle. I am not sure how it ends – it’s about reclaiming my divine birthright; peace, joy, freedom and laughter! I started on this path with a cleanse at the Yoga Barn in Ubud, Bali in February of 2014 and I aim to finish it!

What are your ambitions for your projects? …Ugh – I’d like to make a blockbuster! Did I just admit that? Is that a “flag”, I am Bipolar ya know… All joking aside, who wouldn’t? And in the process, I’d like to make my little sister famous! She has all the skills, as she is an actress AND looks like ME?! Do forgive me for just addressing one project here BUT that’s a pretty enormous ambition! No? My Screenplay, it’s also an insiders guide to how one woman’s hyper alert, idiosyncratic and acutely sensitive manic-depressive mind works! I hope to make what it’s like to be mentally unstable available to more people. To suppress the stigma’s – make mental illness less taboo!

Do you have any political views? All is fair in love & Yoga! And by that I mean, there are different strokes for different folks! I am finding that I mainly vote/ lean one direction but try to see everyone’s point of view and do not side with a political party. Several of my friends & relatives are political die hards and I try to reason with them. But many of you know that that’s pointless! So what do I believe? I believe that all women should have the right to abortion but hope to never have to make that decision myself! I believe that all people should have the right to bear arms but don’t want a gun in the house. God forbid, when I get depressed, I just might use it on myself?! I believe that Education is really important and wish that it was FREE in the USA but that would wreck havoc on our taxes! I am glad to see that Health Insurance is reaching more people now! #GoObamaCare I don’t know if I believe in the death penalty, I think torture is better suited for some! …I support same sex marriage, like I said “All is fair in love & Yoga” – it doesn’t matter to me if some people are born that way or choose that direction later in life! Think that about sums it up… I am really not abreast of what the main issues are! But those are a few that I can think of that are important to ME!

What are your religious views? I have written about them in this blog, but I’ll share what I recently posted about my altar on my Yoga Facebook page here. I think it pretty much sums it up: “I have come to believe that I am a Universalist and believe that our universe, in all it’s glory, is an eternal organism and from it proceeds all life, all consciousness, all creativity… in other words, I believe: ALL is God. On my altar I have a photo of Jesus and a pendant of his mother Mary. (I was raised Catholic, though left the Church shortly after I started yoga in College). You will also find Ganesha, Krishna, Saraswati and of course Buddha up there too. (My husband is Hindu. A Hindu priest married us and another gave my son his name.) I own, but have not read in their entirety, the Holy Bible, a Bhagavad Gita, the Teachings of Buddha & most recently acquired a Qur’an… a close friend and Missionary tells me that I am a Pantheist but I’ll leave that up to you to judge… I promise not to bore you with my spiritual beliefs, in class, but you should trust that they are part of my yogic journey; finding your center is part of yours! Note: that this is intentionally a “Community Page” and I am open to such discussions about God, the Spirit, the Creator of all things, as you like. One thing that I have learned from Yoga since the Summer of 1998 is that WE ARE ONE and in my classes, I will work towards reinforcing that message! Chopra is a huge role model of mine and he often reminds me that we share and are responsible for only ONE World… so kindly keep in mind, as you come to class, that we are in this together!” …imagine that you get the picture!

What do you hope to fulfill in life? I hope to support my husband’s happiness and help make a respectable ‘citizen of the world’ out of my son! …I hope to follow the instructions that my Grandpa Bud gave me and do a job, any job, well! …he really haunts me sometimes, God rest his soul, often I put in the extra effort! You know, tie a pretty ribbon on the package. I could learn more from my Mom; she ties the best ribbons! Trust, I know, this list is not that “lofty” but they are the first things that come to mind!

Do you have any hobbies? Kindly see “What do you live for?” AND “What project ‘s’ are you working on?” above. ;) …the head of Human Resources at my first real job, in Rockefeller Center, told me that smart people usually answer questions before they are asked! Guess this proves that I am SMART? …I have been trying to prove that my whole life! Now my life is complete! …I might not know where Madagascar is nor who fought in the French Revolutionary War ;) but I do know some things!

In your spare time what artists do you listen to? A lot of 5 Seconds of Summer, Green Day & Pink lately! My four (4) year old son loves them… but when I get to choose it’s Pink Martini and Florence + the Machine… REM, Blondie, David Bowie, Eurythmics, Neil Diamond, George Michael & the Eagles when I am feeling nostalgic.

Any closing statements? Please note that I stole these questions from Vonj, out right! There is no shame in stealing! Everyone needs inspiration sometimes… that said, you can find his original post here! I may have just stumbled upon him but I <3 what I’ve seen… http://vonjproductions.com/in-troduction/

Enter Feedback

offer it up

So I am no longer writing a Play. I am writing a Film, a Movie… a Screen Play. Trouble is I have never read a “Screen Play”. (Insert grave doubt.)

In the short span of twelve (12) pages I learned that painting the picture is more important to ME. My resident expert, my younger sister and actress, pointed that out and has helped me understand that Plays are driven through language and dialogue… Movies through images.

I am a visual person; I need images. I speak in images. And frankly, if it’s going to be an autobiography and therefore about being Bipolar, there was little dialogue, outside that with my therapist, about my neurosis’, my psychosis’… for years mind you I hid my conspiracy theories, delusional thoughts and paranoia to the best of my ability!

… I thought that I would write it backwards; from my current, some would argue, ‘perfect’ and stable life to the unforeseen calamities, sudden and serendipitous distress, that they Universe dropped on my doorstep ten (10) years ago this month. But then I woke in a fright a few days ago thinking “backwards is all wrong” and realized: “I need more feedback”! So I sent my logline & synopsis to my nearest and dearest soliciting their criticism.

My Mom, of all people, said “Well written kiddo” full stop.

That’s it?! I mean that’s all my MOM is going to share about these dedicated steps/adventure that I have begun to better understand myself? That’s’ it? I mean C’mon, really??

In the most unapologetic way possible, I have to say that she’s the deluded one! She is most certainly unaware of how cathartic telling one’s story is… my hope is the the act of writing my story, possibly producing it, will change ME, deeply… perhaps proFOUNDly?! Maybe, just maybe, this time I will find myself?

After some prodding and in reference to the title and synopsis of my, now, Screen Play she said: “I think that the title is a work in progress. You will need to work through whether or not people will “get it”. It may be perfect in the end-you don’t have to keep it if something better presents itself.”

And she’s right. I have only just begun. I need to bring my yoga practice into my writing and work at being flexible.

Before it turned into a movie, my older sister said: “That seems like a great starting perspective to begin to write. I just wonder whether by not simply writing but rather creating these artificial constraints (it’s a play, it has a summary, it has a title) that you will more easily get in the way of what you would like to accomplish – figuring out your story.”

A-ha! She is so very right! Much of the “how to write a play” books that i read last year, when this project started, directed ME to write a log line & synopsis to help ME get started. And I gather that I have to look at it just as that! It’s only a beginning. (Note to self. Archive that draft!) Already since her note I have realized that, although she lived part of it, she doesn’t know the whole story. She doesn’t know, nor really truly understand, my experiences from my perspective but more importantly nor do I. I need to allow the story to unfold. That’s a sure fire way to find something.

Then the resident expert, my younger sister, said: “Keep telling the story. That’s at the crux of it all, the storytelling you are trying to do. That’s why we, the audience, care…we’re intrigued by the story. I just read your blog post, Just stop it already, and what popped out to me was this: “Who’s gonna steal an idea about a crazy woman finding herself?” Specifically the “a crazy woman finding herself” Is this your story? It’s actually very compelling. I want read it, I want to go on that journey.”

Aha – she got it! Before I did. (Insert the wise words from my older sister.) That is what my story is about, today!! It is about being on this never ending path of finding myself; it is a spiritual journey… I am writing it, whatever it will become, as if to imply that each of our ‘beautiful’ lives are fated. And to do that I need to let go to see the message better. In his new book “Growing into Grace” Mastin Kipp, the founder of the dailylove.com, is trying to communicate: Life doesn’t happen to us. Life happens for us!

If I do nothing else; I am now on this journey, I am going to let this happen to ME!

In praise of feather’s

coming out

Being an expat can be lonely. A stay-at-home mom and housewife lonelier still. But being mentally ill is the loneliest of all, in my humble experience… until you learn how to accept it and come out of the closet!

Seriously, if you are reading this & you suffer from mental illness, you should consider, at the very least, talking to someone about it! It’s liberating!! People crawl out of the woodwork when you are raw and honest and they reach back to you. They share their stories; get intimate for a moment or two. It’s great, if your lucky like me, you get more support than you ever dreamed of! It couldn’t be more rewarding.

Pay close attention; it comes in all shapes and sizes. One friend recently went so far as to tell me that I was being “open/real”. Another just volunteered to help me with one of my many Mommy projects. Another thankfully shared some funny jokes about my psychotic disposition. They were compliments really. Another, my favorite one, took up her gauntlet and matched my risk by confiding in me her albeit different but deep dark secret?! That was incredibly humbling and gratifying.

Note to Reader: It’s only been a few short weeks but it’s been fabulous! I find that I am quickly becoming a natural advocate. I am grateful to the Source of all things to be in a place that finally enabled ME to accept the responsibility!

Before I go on, I’d like to take the time to thank the Mentally Ill, Bisexuals, Homosexuals, Gamblers, Alcoholics and Drug Addicts etc. for coming out before me. They blazed the path; I merely jumped on the bandwagon!

In my experience “coming out” is an inexplicable sense of pride, freedom & hope all beautifully packaged into one. I wish I had known sooner! You don’t see that package in Keith Haring’s graphic above… instead to show his support I believe he depicts a cautious (yellow) thrilling rite of passage. I can appreciate where he was coming from. It’s an unnerving experience but knowing what I know now, I would encourage anyone to just go for it!

That said however, I think that it’s really important to recognize that living in secret can be debilitating. Hiding in a cave doesn’t help anyone at all. Namely yourself. Wiki can explain the pitfalls of loneliness on one’s mental health better than me. Listen. Scroll down & try to listen? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loneliness

To add, what I’ve learned by coming out to my ‘closet’ friends and extended family is that I have suddenly picked up the sword, joined the fight, to help them understand ME. And surprisingly I’m less lonely now. For years I’ve operated under the false expectation that it was their job to understand ME. In conversation after conversation I found myself internally pleading “PLEASE UNDERSTAND ME!!!”. You can imagine, I didn’t get very far… Duh, no one could hear ME!

But now that I have opened up I feel like I am starting to peel deeper into the onion. I have dropped my armor and am embracing my vulnerability. Yes my vulnerability. Brene Brown is right. “Vulnerability is not about fear and grief and disappointment; it is the birthplace of everything we’re hungry for.”

In part my previous narrow-minded perspective is a reflection on my my self centered point of view, POV… I realize now that I wasn’t even giving my ‘closet’ friends and extended family the benefit of the doubt. How stupid is that? I wasted so much time; so many opportunities to connect! In hindsight I fell into thinking that sometimes my particular psychological and emotional disposition made ME so special/different that the mass majority could never really truly understand ME. So, like many sober rational people walking this planet, I didn’t bother to try to be understood. But what I was doing, by hiding, was not making myself available to be understood.

Hiding away in my closet, only made matters worse. For me, of course, but perhaps more importantly for those that I love the most! How depressing is that? What I realize now is that we should really be talking more about what makes us unique, what makes us different. The world needs to know. The world deserves to know. I whole heartedly believe a mindset to the effect of “we’re all in this together” would be mutually benefical.

In “Please Understand Me: Character and Temperament Types” Dr. Keirsey challenges the reader to “Abandon the Pygmalion Project”, that endless and fruitless attempt to change the Other into a carbon copy of Oneself. I have great respect and appreciation for his work and I hope that stem cell cloning never progresses to that stage. I’d be so very bored of a bunch of mini ME’s running around… Maybe we can learn from the late great Joan Rivers. She said: “I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.” Let’s follow her advice and wake up today and eagerly celebrate our differences.

One of the things that I like best about family, friendship and marriage is that we get to hold up the mirror to one another and try to help each other see ourselves as we really are. Obviously, we have our differences but at the end of the day we are simply all shades of one and the same. We just need to put on our feathers, to remind us to tread lightly, and open up and dare to confront with each other just which aspect we really are!

uncle google & guinea pig’s

today

& with that reminder made, I turn to the internet…

I know that it’s easier said than done but maybe, just maybe, my good friend in Okinawa has a good point? Maybe the bipolar should set intentions & goals to help us cope; daily, repetitively, regularly in order to be our personal best?? http://blogs.yogajournal.com/activeyogi/2013/10/setting-intentions-and-goals-for-your-practice.html

& so once again I vow to start my mornings with INTENTIONS like these:

“May I be confident & strong.” I need not to allow change to get the better of me. http://lifehacker.com/how-to-build-your-confidence-and-why-it-matters-1442414831

“May I be tolerant & flexible.” I need not have everything MY way. http://life.gaiam.com/article/5-brain-exercises-foster-flexible-thinking

“May I be disciplined & mature.” I need not reach for that glass of wine to handle my stress. http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/06/self-discipline/

I now vow to post these GOALS in my calendar (everyone needs gentle reminders). I hope that they result in affirmations like these:

“I’ll stay centered.” It will most certainly help me manage, dare I say control, my mood if I remain present. http://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-ways-to-remain-centered-amid-all-of-the-chaos/

“I’ll turn that frown upside down.” Surely, I am not the first to tell you that scientists are finding that smiling has good effects on the brain; to begin with it activates the release of neuropeptides that work toward fighting off stress… http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201206/there-s-magic-in-your-smile

Time will tell if it works, I must be patient, until then I won’t stop taking my meds… am thankful for uncle google & happy to be a guinea pig! Practice makes perfect.

The Innocents

The Innocents. I <3 for their innocence & the process of elimination…

This past Spring, I blogged another bit with this title & first line but took it offline as it was too cryptic and not in keeping with my overall writing style. It was more like pages from my diary. In hindsight, I recognize that these posts are better once I have had some time to reflect on the subjects, the “message” is always in the subject…

But I digress, I ran into the post again this morning and think that the first line has merit; the first line should be expanded upon! And so I’d like to share: Starting with, I feel sorry for “them”. And in part, I guess, for the first time, that a small part of me is beginning to feel sorry for ME. Here’s an idea of what I mean.

@ 7:41pm on 24.04.2013 I wrote “Being Bipolar isn’t EASY! Being Bipolar a roller coaster.” (Opportune word being “coaster”.) At the time, I was acutely aware that we have orange leather circles for coasters… at the time I could only account for seven in our Living Room; originally I bought eight. The tricky thing here is that although the 8th was ‘hiding’ next to my keyboard in the next room I could only deduce at the time that my guardians stole one for a token; for a keepsake. (Our team color is/was Orange.) It did not make me feel nervous that “they” had access to my house nor did I question why they would want it. It did however make me wonder from which other apartment tower WINdow were they watching me?!

The following day @ 1:51pm on 04.25.2013 MT, I saw a woman wearing a T-shirt on the street. It was hot pink with BOLD black writing. It read “Justice for Love”… this struck at the heart of my on-going mission. (Note to reader: I was not alarmed that I still had a “mission”.) In my mind, she was planted on my route back from looping the hill – she was sent to ME by my agents. (You know those agents/guardians of mine that watch my every move, track my local by my cellphone, have access to my house, are digitally tapped into my computer but cannot reveal themselves to me?) She was sent to gently remind me that I was correct in seeking justice for the time that I lost getting tangled in so many triangles. She was sent to remind me to never give up… Can you believe it? After all these years, after all this time, I was still caught up in the delusion that I am not alone in my mission to reveal the truth behind my conspiracies???

Weeks later, after dinner on 06.16.2013 MT, albeit during another hypomanic cycle, I was struck by another a ‘lil Messenger. I saw a man wearing a black Messenger Bag in a green t-shirt that read: “I have an eye on you”. I wasn’t terrified, perhaps because I was in the company of my husband and two (2) year old child but it was clear that I was safe – after all I had agents/guardians looking after me. Shortly thereafter, in less than an hour, a great peace came over me. I saw an Angel. Not a real angel but a young Asian woman in an oversized tee and leggings leaving her apartment just as I was walking by. The timing was perfect, orchestrated even. The tee screamed at me in bigger than life letters, it said “You can do it”! It was at that moment, that I knew that I could, that I should… it was at that moment that I realized that my agents had found a way to reach me again in far of distant lands such as the likes of Macau. Then, I felt lucky!! Today, I feel silly.

…until I looked it up in Merriam Webster, just now @ 2:42am on 21.10.2103 MT, I didn’t understand that ‘reflection’ is “the action of bending or folding back”… you know, mental gymnastics – yoga in the brain. In other words the art of my blogging if you will, is part of my yoga? What a relief! Note to reader: As per Uncle Wiki: “Yoga is the physical, mental, and spiritual practices or disciplines which originated in ancient India with a view to attain a state of permanent peace.” So, cool! That’s what I am looking for after all, that’s what we’re all looking for, are we not – PEACE??

Since this Episode Eleven* (11) began last Spring I have learned to turn the table on that which drives me ‘mad’… I have learned to take control. I have learned that instead of feeling watched that I am the one doing the watching. I have learned to say quietly under my breath “I see you” instead of feeling seen… and thus starts the process of elimination. With great disappointment, I admit that I know that I am not being watched anymore. I do believe in my heart of hearts that for a short period of time that there is a good chance that I was in the Nation’s Capitol but today that is a far cry from my reality. Today I start a new fight; a fight against those conspiracies a fight to eliminate the license plates, the tee shirts the marketing ads and their direct correlation to me.

*Note to Reader: I haven’t had ELEVEN episodes; certainly not eleven dramatic ones that have hospitalized ME. I think that I have been hospitalized four times in less than ten years; and not once since I met my husband, the rock in my life to support ME, but I use 11 to indicate that all things are parallel in the universe like the digits… two straight lines.

It’s HIGH time!

You’ve got to watch this talk on TED!

We all deserve compassion. We all deserve deeper understanding & respect for what plagues us so I’ve decided that I am going to attempt to write a play. Screw Hollywood. Say “Hello” to Broadway!

Oh the things that I think, that I think, that I can think up for the stage?! Might be harder to accomplish on stage than on screen but there are a ton of creative people out there; I’ve just got to meet those that are willing to share in this mission. It’s something new for me to do. It is exciting but I imagine will not always be FUN…

Keeping this blog is good, better than good, & I suspect I will not stop blogging but I think giving you the opportunity to see something on stage, in lights, could possibly reach a greater audience… & that’s just what it is about; I want everyone to appreciate the true Spirit of our differences. I want to open people’s hearts to embrace those of us that are ‘different’ no matter what! Perhaps setting the stage so that we can see our similarities & the things in common we share is THE PLACE to begin?

As I write I am reflecting on something yogi Harbhajan Singh said: “If you can’t see God in All, You can’t see God at All.” And that’s what I hope to do, I hope to show you what role God has played in my life. He blessed me with being Bipolar.

I hope that I can pull it off. You might want to like my page on FB (Being Bipolar isn’t Easy) to keep “informed”. I’ve still got to work out the details & keep this real.

Note to Reader: It promises to be a slow go; I only have so many hours in one day that I can devote to this blog, the play & you know I have to protect my well-being. (On that note I hired a therapist; hopefully she’ll help me get over the humps. Good idea, no?)

Vincent

My son’s Montessori School has a book on Vincent Van Gogh; I think… it’s in Chinese.

Now I am sure. It is in Chinese. ;)

Often, I read it to my Son. I make up the story as I go… I tell him about his travels to Our Fashion Capitol Paris and how he met a few crucial Collectors. I’ll have to record my Story next time I see it. Maybe, I’ll record what I see & then Edit this Post.

God Bless you Vincent, I WONder just where you are Today.