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and the Art of Slowing it Down
3 Reasons I am and I am not Bipolar
October 31, 2015Posted by on
1) Bipolar or not I am notorious for canceling appointments!
Whether it’s a lunch date with the girls or a trial for a new exercise routine I let life get in the way. Granted sometimes I am feeling fat, ugly or simply blue but I don’t stay the course & keep to the plan!
As of late I have been trying really hard to follow through. If I commit to something and make a date I try to not allow life to get in the way but sometimes it gets the better of ME.
Like my Crossfit trial!? Last week my husband woke ME up at twelve (12) am and so I couldn’t get back to sleep before time to go at dawn & then when I tried to make it up, I missed the bus because I was looking for a taxi and if you live in Macau, you know one thing that we have a shortage of is taxis…
But often, I am beginning to wonder if it’s an anxiety thing. So many of us have dual diagnosis’… the jury is out on that one until I can study it more with my therapist. Usually classic anxiety comes after when I think “Did she like ME?”, “Will I ever be invited back?” etc.
2) Bipolar or not I am impulsive!
Not like according to the mental health provider Eric Johnson. He says: “Bipolar mania, and the less intense hypomania, is associated with increased risk-taking behaviors like drug use, promiscuous sex, over-spending money, and other poor decisions.”
Sadly I have never been a drug user nor very promiscuous. (I imagine it’s exciting.) I have experimented, a very little, but not like the stories that I have heard in BP support groups. And luckily I’ve never had enough money to overspend. Sure I have lived paycheck to paycheck before, gladly those days are out of my purview now but I share that I know what it’s like!
But this is where Eric Johnson is right. My poor decisions involve being impatient and therefor impulsive. I am not a psychologist but I would argue that they go hand in hand! And I would bet that it ALL stems from not being mindful. That’s another thing that I am constantly working on but it can be so very difficult.
…I have a certain ‘je ne sai quoi‘ that throws caution to the wind at times. It’s quick, I can be so very quick! Like my Facebook comment on BP Magazine for Bipolar yesterday… I have it in my head that I ready to reach a greater audience. I am convinced that it would help ME spread the love. Because that is what I aim to do here, blogging, I am spewing out raw love as I try to connect with other like minded souls.
Don’t get ME wrong. There are plenty of people blogging about mental health these days, more so since Robin William’s suicide – I think… BUT naturally I think my bent is, well, special. We should all think that our work is “Special”.
Kindly take twenty (20) minutes and see this TED talk.
There is great joy that people get from creating something new, and to use the little French that I remember again, sans instructions.
3) Bipolar or not I have grandiose thoughts!
To begin with, I desperately want to sell my Screenplay and have my story heard… ok, in short, yes – I want to be FAMOUS. The truth is… I haven’t told anyone this truth yet… the Truth, capitol “T”, is that I want to shed light on some misgivings that happened to ME in Washington, DC. To this date I do not believe that I was alone in my thoughts about being followed. I really think that I was followed!
For an hour, for a week – maybe a month; but certainly not as it was in my head for three (3) years!? Needless to say, I think that I drew enough attention to myself in the Nation’s Capitol, that fateful day on a stretcher that I entered George Washington’s ER kicking & screaming: Protect ME! Protect my family! Call my sister in Paris! Find out where my parents are!? There are good, well-meaning people in DC. People that want justice. People that protect the innocent… etc.
I think that my mania, hell let’s be straight – my psychosis, trapped me, my little sister and I, up in a triangle that was bigger than I was aware. One could insert the whole throw caution the wind bit again, here.
Anyways, not to be cryptic but you’ll have to wait to hear more about that story IF my Screenplay ever gets published. You did hear ME say that I desperately want it to get published right? I do hope that I can raise money to support at least a short but I really need one hundred and twenty (120) minutes to give the whole picture. I can’t imagine that ten (10) will be enough BUT we all know how some of those GoFundMe projects go.
I am not yet convinced that I can ask my friends & family to financially support my dream… it’s not like I have medical bills or lawyer bills that I cannot afford. I am not yet convinced that I will be grateful enough for a handful of people giving ME twenty (20) dollars here. Twenty (20) dollars there. It would make ME feel like a failure when I really know that I need the BIG bucks!
Note to reader. I have had my head up my Screenplay & writing for BP Magazine for Bipolar, aka BP Hope, the last two (2) months. Not only has BP Magazine recently offered ‘lil old ME more opportunities to blog for them this year, the original offer was three (3), BUT they have thrown out the possibility to post more often for them in 2016 AND they have now agreed to post some of my old fodder! So I will get more FaceTime & therefor reach more readers!? We all should be so lucky to be able to share our stories, explain ourselves and gain understanding. Then the compassion, understanding and acceptance from the mainstream will follow. I know it will follow. Hell, if your reading this & not Bipolar it’s already following!! ;)