Being Bipolar isn't EASY

and the Art of Slowing it Down

The Innocents

The Innocents. I <3 for their innocence & the process of elimination…

This past Spring, I blogged another bit with this title & first line but took it offline as it was too cryptic and not in keeping with my overall writing style. It was more like pages from my diary. In hindsight, I recognize that these posts are better once I have had some time to reflect on the subjects, the “message” is always in the subject…

But I digress, I ran into the post again this morning and think that the first line has merit; the first line should be expanded upon! And so I’d like to share: Starting with, I feel sorry for “them”. And in part, I guess, for the first time, that a small part of me is beginning to feel sorry for ME. Here’s an idea of what I mean.

@ 7:41pm on 24.04.2013 I wrote “Being Bipolar isn’t EASY! Being Bipolar a roller coaster.” (Opportune word being “coaster”.) At the time, I was acutely aware that we have orange leather circles for coasters… at the time I could only account for seven in our Living Room; originally I bought eight. The tricky thing here is that although the 8th was ‘hiding’ next to my keyboard in the next room I could only deduce at the time that my guardians stole one for a token; for a keepsake. (Our team color is/was Orange.) It did not make me feel nervous that “they” had access to my house nor did I question why they would want it. It did however make me wonder from which other apartment tower WINdow were they watching me?!

The following day @ 1:51pm on 04.25.2013 MT, I saw a woman wearing a T-shirt on the street. It was hot pink with BOLD black writing. It read “Justice for Love”… this struck at the heart of my on-going mission. (Note to reader: I was not alarmed that I still had a “mission”.) In my mind, she was planted on my route back from looping the hill – she was sent to ME by my agents. (You know those agents/guardians of mine that watch my every move, track my local by my cellphone, have access to my house, are digitally tapped into my computer but cannot reveal themselves to me?) She was sent to gently remind me that I was correct in seeking justice for the time that I lost getting tangled in so many triangles. She was sent to remind me to never give up… Can you believe it? After all these years, after all this time, I was still caught up in the delusion that I am not alone in my mission to reveal the truth behind my conspiracies???

Weeks later, after dinner on 06.16.2013 MT, albeit during another hypomanic cycle, I was struck by another a ‘lil Messenger. I saw a man wearing a black Messenger Bag in a green t-shirt that read: “I have an eye on you”. I wasn’t terrified, perhaps because I was in the company of my husband and two (2) year old child but it was clear that I was safe – after all I had agents/guardians looking after me. Shortly thereafter, in less than an hour, a great peace came over me. I saw an Angel. Not a real angel but a young Asian woman in an oversized tee and leggings leaving her apartment just as I was walking by. The timing was perfect, orchestrated even. The tee screamed at me in bigger than life letters, it said “You can do it”! It was at that moment, that I knew that I could, that I should… it was at that moment that I realized that my agents had found a way to reach me again in far of distant lands such as the likes of Macau. Then, I felt lucky!! Today, I feel silly.

…until I looked it up in Merriam Webster, just now @ 2:42am on 21.10.2103 MT, I didn’t understand that ‘reflection’ is “the action of bending or folding back”… you know, mental gymnastics – yoga in the brain. In other words the art of my blogging if you will, is part of my yoga? What a relief! Note to reader: As per Uncle Wiki: “Yoga is the physical, mental, and spiritual practices or disciplines which originated in ancient India with a view to attain a state of permanent peace.” So, cool! That’s what I am looking for after all, that’s what we’re all looking for, are we not – PEACE??

Since this Episode Eleven* (11) began last Spring I have learned to turn the table on that which drives me ‘mad’… I have learned to take control. I have learned that instead of feeling watched that I am the one doing the watching. I have learned to say quietly under my breath “I see you” instead of feeling seen… and thus starts the process of elimination. With great disappointment, I admit that I know that I am not being watched anymore. I do believe in my heart of hearts that for a short period of time that there is a good chance that I was in the Nation’s Capitol but today that is a far cry from my reality. Today I start a new fight; a fight against those conspiracies a fight to eliminate the license plates, the tee shirts the marketing ads and their direct correlation to me.

*Note to Reader: I haven’t had ELEVEN episodes; certainly not eleven dramatic ones that have hospitalized ME. I think that I have been hospitalized four times in less than ten years; and not once since I met my husband, the rock in my life to support ME, but I use 11 to indicate that all things are parallel in the universe like the digits… two straight lines.

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