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and the Art of Slowing it Down
The Natural Order of Things
March 27, 2013Posted by on
How am I supposed to be a SUPER MOM (wife, daughter, sister, friend etc.) if I can’t juggle it all?
Four weeks ago, my psychiatrist switched my meds and lowered my dose – arguing that we could try a little less given that I have been coping so very well! Coincidentally, I picked up Hindi lessons (2x’s a week), hired a Personal Trainer (3x’s a week) AND started 1) a DIY Project 2) planning two vacations and 3) getting prepared for two Holidays: Holi and Easter… Note: Most if not all additions to my schedule were pre-meditated. It’s not like I invented something NEW to do… but I admit I forgot about the upcoming Holidays!
Needless to say, I started to slip. I recognized the change to my families otherwise relaxed routine and a slight shift in my mood but I just figured that I needed to manage my time better, i.e. I needed to “schedule” some time to R-E-L-A-X ! I didn’t consider the impact of the lower dosage…
I recognized that I was walking like a New Yorker in an otherwise small village, was spotting and talking more (but not faster); so these signs were not red flags to me but merely circumstantial…
Habitually, I rushed to clear my daily to do’s by 3pm, when my son wakes up from his nap, and used the intensity of my training as my stress reliever. But I was still wired, trying to handle all my to do’s; including taking my son to school, play dates, creative dance class, making two dinners a night and keeping the house in Order. (It’s very important for me to have Order.) Thank god we have a helper… I really don’t clean much anymore; I merely have to do the dishes post dinner and on the weekends. (And that “work” I share with my fabulous domesticated hub!)
I didn’t have racing thoughts, nor was I paranoid, nor was I reading more into ‘things’ – so I figured I was A-Okay just SWAMPED! It wasn’t until 2 people told me to “chill out”, 3 people have told me that I look stressed and 2 noticed that I lost weight, in a 24 hour period, that I sought the help of my doctor!?
Needless to say, I have been on a magic cocktail of 4 different drugs for a 10 days!?!?! I can’t remember having to take so much medicine and fear that I am going to become addicted to their support?!
But here’s that catch: when I thought I was in the clear; my older sister stepped in… she communicated that she had noticed a change in my behavior & sent me an email. In it she remarked about life in general: “the harder you try to manufacture what you think will help or make it right, the harder it (your life) will get”.
I’ve been reflecting on that since… what I still don’t understand is if we are all ‘Works in Progress’ how I am supposed to meet my family’s needs and achieve my goals? Change, planning, being the Chief Child Caretaker, social organizer & homemaker require hard work; and as many of you readers are aware – require one’s full and active attention.
The last thing that I want to do is tiptoe around the limits of my mental health! And frankly I can’t because I don’t know what they are until I test them… like my moods adjustment to the chemicals in my brain – my limits keep on changing!
I just can’t accept that I am never going to fulfill my dream of being a SUPER MOM (wife, daughter, sister, friend etc.) but have been thinking that perhaps it’s a good thing that we can’t have a second child! Perhaps it’s just another way that Nature is looking out for me & my family?