Being Bipolar isn't EASY

and the Art of Slowing it Down

Bad Moon Rising

When those that care about you FREAK out?!

When those that care about you freak out; it’s like being on a rollercoaster! Your belly falls and when the accusation is over and your defenses drop your heart sinks. It’s so very difficult being watched all the time! And, I guess it must be hard to do the watching?! Really, it can be rather depressing to know that you are the victim of insinuating assumptions and disarming suppositions.

As far as I can tell, my husband and little sister keep the closest watch… even when I do not act out of character they worry “is IT gonna happen again”?! IT, the dark evil that haunts our exchanges… (Note to reader: I thought about substituting ‘lives’ for ‘exchanges’ but it sounds so dramatic! Being Bipolar is rather unspectacular, peculiar but unspectacular.)

Even a simple joke gets me in trouble?! After sharing that I wanted to get Obama’s attention, my husband told me to “stop blogging”! Am not gonna stop blogging… I enjoy it. It’s helping me see that my mind can play twisted tricks on me. It makes me vulnerable. It dares me to be Honest.

I write to understand my past & to help resolve whatever conflicts/ attachments are associated with such memories. And having said that I recall something from the book Cutting for Stone; it goes something like this: we may “live it forward, but understand it backward”…

Even a simple email about a random thought gets attention from my little sister?! She often inquires: “Where did this come from? Are you feeling all right?”… Am not gonna stop sharing random thoughts! They are ways to open up discussions, get the juices flowing. Typically, if I talk about what’s on my mind I get closer to a solution than if I let the idea simmer alone in my head. And remind you, I am impatient, the faster I get there the faster I can move on to the next thing!

But there is nothing that I can do about it and am grateful to have someone that cares about ME! That keeps a close watch on IT. Love is a strong word but I, i, like “IT” and am not sure that I would be the first to admit that IT was near. I most recently align my definition of IT with something I read in Mind of the Making… it goes… “the essence of creativity is to be able to disassemble and recombine elements in new ways”.  I do that in general, but I think I overdid that manic and allowed it to get way out of control!

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