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and the Art of Slowing it Down
November 7, 2012Posted by on
If I had had any money at the time, I would have invested in Nautica. In retrospect, I should have taken photographs of all the “not ICA” garb in my neighborhood. It drove me mad but convinced me that, given DC, that both Presidential Candidates (2004) amongst others were aware of my case. The powers that be knew that a) I had a good law suit on my hands and b) that I could pin some several people that were breaking laws… if I could just prove it?!
My privacy was being invaded. I was being followed. ‘They’ wanted my allegiance & my stories! The hospitals misrepresented their staff… the state of my mental health wasn’t kept CONFIDENTIAL nor were my “private sessions” with the Psychiatrists/Psychologists! IF only someone had gotten a hold of my diaries, they would have seen that I was just Nuts… I thought I was involved with the wrong crowd; I thought my client embezzled money, I thought my OBGYN preformed an illegal abortion on ME, I thought my apartment was formerly a terrorist cell… but not me. nautICA… I wasn’t a Spy! And here’s where I’ll tell you why: I couldn’t prove anything and I just wanted to be left alone! Why wouldn’t ‘they’ leave me alone?
I sought God, I went to the Foundry. I wrote in my diary, keeping it with me at all times to record outlandish events. I walked the labyrinth on 18th, did yoga/prayed religiously. But it wasn’t until my family suggested that I leave DC that I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. (I think it was my older sister’s idea. She’s a clever one… My parents were relatively hands off growing up. They rarely interfered and even then, during this most critical moment in my life, my mother couldn’t/wouldn’t do the talking?! We four were there; my mom, my older & younger sister and me – sitting outside at a French bistro after I was released from the hospital; but it was my older sister that had to do the convincing, I didn’t want to move back in with my Parents in Las Vegas at 30 some odd years of age?! Perhaps it’s just their styles… my older sister likes the challenge, my mother is a wall flower and my little sister had little of a voice back then, I thought she was young & clueless. She too was under watch, if only because we looked alike & lived together. I hold no grudges. It’s just an interesting observation. I am glad that the most important women in my life were there supporting me at a defining moment!)
I moved to Las Vegas to avoid all the confusion but in a small way it only followed me there… it wasn’t as easy to keep track of ME there, I was no longer a pedestrian. I had new Doctors, few ‘Friends’ and was under close watch of my parents.
It wasn’t until my life stabilized when I found great security in the arms of my now husband that I let go of the paranoia. It took a good THREE years to get “them” to leave me alone. I finally moved on and was going to forget what had wronged me in the first place. Now I suffer from acute mania even less. It’s definitely a hormonal thing for me… but when I suffer I no longer think of the conspiracies I once did but just get manic & when I’m manIC my husband panICs.
It’s not something that we can fix, I definitely have the ‘bug’ when I get my mind wrapped around a to-do, just any ordinary to-do like “making an album” or “buying a cabinet”, I obsess about it… my poor husband. Always on the watch, is always concerned that it’s the beginning of something to worry about!