Being Bipolar isn't EASY

and the Art of Slowing it Down

The Beginnings of A Conscious Transformation

Besides my son – motherhood has brought a profound desire to understand the motivation behind my actions… once I got into the swing of this thing called “parenting” I found myself returning to my roots Catholicism, Yoga and Eastern Philosophies/ Religions. It was difficult at first as my life had become pretty routine and I a ‘practitioner’ of none. I’m not praying yet, nor am I routinely stretching again yet, BUT I am thinking about it & what that life meant to me/ for me in the past. In retrospect ‘it’ at times was a very dangerous practice… and I have  very careful these days not to slip into the thrill of mania.

Long story short: after moving to LV (and getting medicated), I settled into a way of living that I consequently had to “work” less at. Being me became easier, especially without yearly ‘excursions’ to the neighborhood hospital. During that time, the universe introduced me to the love of my life and we set up a good home but that didn’t seem deliberate enough if I (we) were to raise my (our) son Hindu.

… thus began the journey back to a more intentional me – at a time when I recognized first hand that I had (have) the biggest responsibility that I will ever be faced with.

Shedding the guilt of not being prepared was, is still, the hardest part.

I don’t want to believe that I let go completely rather I allowed some idea of who I am at the core to get out of reach. (I hope that I was still a good person… I did win the heart of a very tolerant and compassionate man.) Recognizing this, I started by reading and consequently stumbled upon a great book “Living Deeply”… I won’t try to explain to you what it’s about but if you’re interested in the title – look it up:

…I will tell you what it made me think about!

Reading “Living Deeply” a book “based on a decadelong research program at the Institute of Noetic Sciences” made me remember something from a time in DC when I was hypo-manic… and that memory made me think a crazy thought. The albeit recent and crazy thought: Perhaps I was not psychotic when I witnessed two middle-aged men following me one sunny afternoon on the streets of Dupont Circle. ** ‘People’ have been studying all sorts of phenomena for years… and it’s not hard to believe that in Washington, DC of all places someone was studying the mentally ill, easily at a distance. I was certainly a welcoming target.

One of the men was fairly grey and wore glasses and the other; I think also in glasses, was much taller and looked like he had grade school kids (the latter was hard at work). They were deeply engrossed in their conversation but certainly aware of my presence as they turned the corner and if I suspected that they were talking about my case. I like to believe that they were saying: “This is what happens when one becomes enlightened… the Universe dances around them, all their interactions from the simple to the mundane come together and during these episodes these people have been known to make radical associations that are often astonishingly noteworthy.”

You can imagine that kind of thinking ultimately led me to the Psych Ward sometime thereafter… suffice it to say I am not on my way to the Hospital now, I (apparently) just refuse to believe that some of my experiences were real a.k.a. not a figment of my imagination.

*During the weeks that I spent at my sister’s in Paris, I didn’t have a yoga class to attend so I ran… and I ran past some very important people and their secret agents, dressed in black suits and fully equipped with ear pieces, were on the streets with… silly me, back then I thought they were part in parcel of the gang protecting me not some great government official.

**Other weird things that I experienced: 1) After I left the Hospital for the very first time, I thought that I was being followed by nurses. One took my subway exit and followed me past my house. I didn’t dare turn down our street… I wanted to see if she was following ME. At the stop light her phone rang & I distinctly heard her say “If she doesn’t pass out first!” Referring to me of course; I was sleeping better but so alert that I was exhausted! 2) In the park one morning after a party w/ reporters from NPR I saw an American Indian wearing a t-shirt read something to the effect of ‘knowing better to not trust the government’… it was a particularly poignant moment as the evening before I was reminded that my great great grandmother was an American Indian & I suspected that I was being followed and thought the message was that the President was involved in some way…  3) At Budokon practice one evening, a very heavy set & what appeared to be off-duty policeman entered our studio while we were practicing – and YES you know by now that I thought he was there to see my skills. He was there to see ME sweat, to see how hard I worked at trying to be, a line from “Living Deeply”, “connected to all that is”! 4) Twice I ran into agents in front of my office on 18th Street. One was in a dark brown overcoat from Oregon & the other had on sunglasses with the price tag still!? on and was wondering why my hairdresser gave me a baby cacti. 5) Another nurse from the hospital followed me into Starbucks w/ a non descript police officer? to identify ME…

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