Being Bipolar isn't EASY

and the Art of Slowing it Down

The Art of Slowing it Down(town)

Hey!!!!! LONG TIME no post. Welcome to a not so eloquent mini dissertation on why I changed my tagline.

By God’s good graces, I’m coming back to my senses and believes that this – this site – needs to be here. (Unpublished it for a LONG while.) But I am biased. The first thing that I did is change my tagline to “and the Art of Slowing it Down(town)”? It has been, since 2011, “on being Creative & Mentally Handicapped” but the new & improved one is so much more positive.

For the most part, I’m kinda new & improved too. But we’ll get to that sooner or later. …I am not giving myself, operative word giving as in gifting, myself the time ATM to change my theme – apparently it’s old & has been retired – but I am considering advocating on IG again & parlaying between here & there.

In short, I like writing and need/want somewhere to share. The week I started this DRAFT, just two-ish short weeks ago, surprisingly I celebrated my eighth (8th) year blogging. I would have sworn that it was so much longer than that.

For the immediate future, I’m gonna attempt to go deep/explore and share how my deluded mind, conspiracy theories have really broken me – how the same old story continues to haunt me after all these years. How disrupting it is/ they are to my daily life, how they threaten my family, even when I’m stable… how they can strike hard and come out of the blue & derail me at times and how I continually re-invest myself to learn how to tame that beast.

I gather technically I have to sell a book first to make a difference – forget a Screenplay, I’m not equipped to imagine a Screenplay. As it is I’m having a hard time bringing my Jewelry Organizers to life – <yes Reader, I know that that’s not an appropriate use of dashes, but ATM I don’t care. This is America and within reason so I’ll do what I please.> to possibly influence.

I’ve been through the ringer and I know from experience that mental resilience is possible. I’m disciplining that flesh eating, soul sucking chemical dragon. And like I said, in general I’m finding peace.

In short – I’ve given up the fight although there’s still a formidable fighter in ME… in doing so I feel great freedom to have released many an ambition to seek justice and I more easily love and accept. Isn’t there a song about love being better than justice? Once upon a time all I wanted was justice… sorry, I digress.

I’m working to stay open, be present, (yeah you’ve heard the drill but this crap actually works) accept most everything. It’s fcuking HARD …but I continue to have tried & true trust/faith – a renewed commitment to evolving at large, to being a Peace Maker of all things. Personally, I’d like to live in a more transparent world if not just in my small nucleus. We’re only as big as our circle of “friends”.

A more evolved global community IM(humble)O would be well vulnerable, more collaborative and less fearful. All those yummy juicy good things. …today’s youth would be HAPPIER. Elevated in such a way to take on what’s next.

I was stuck for so long – broken even longer than that. Realigning with my purpose is helping me feel more accomplished. Like I have already arrived – like I have done smth of value, when I haven’t really done anything of great consequence and or significance at all. Which is really why writing this is so much easier. I keep telling myself, “be not afraid. He/she’s got the whole world in his/her hands.” …I have nothing to prove. I have no where to go, no place to be – but here, now.

I (just) have a dream, to really impact ppl’s lives. I am far from perfect – I am a work in progress: someome somewhere said “I am a work in progress, I am getting to my goal a ‘lil at a time (&) not all at once.” 

And I welcome you, if not for the first time but once again, to join me on my journey – on my progress.

A Lenten Sacrafice

Sometimes it’s not what’s directly in front of us that is clearest but it’s what is really happening behind the scenes.

And so, I say it again because I think I deleted it.

Resolutions associated with (Western) New Years are over rated! The cleaning/rebirth that comes alive with Spring suits me best or so I have to believe.

…I did make mention that I’ve hit my bottom. The bottom of neglect. For myself – for my body and mind have you – this is a Mental health feed. But it goes deeper than that, sadly it’s clear that it’s inside.

My inner world, my spirit, on a cellular level really concerns me. The awakenings that I have had with the spanking of my son are profound.

And so, in keeping with the “I WANT TO THRIVE” as a parent, yogi, human, …bipolar theme, I have decided to follow a late great ladies advice & “lay it at his feet”. … The short of that is that I have decided to honor Lent by giving up vino!!!!? We already know that it’s much easier to reach for a drink to escape from the daily grind & life’s disappointments but I’m gonna do it!

I’m not a practicing Catholic & the reference to “he” rubs me the wrong way but in the spirit of Fresh Starts – I don’t want to throw the baby out w/ the bath water – I’m gonna surrender.

I’m gonna finally surrender and then I’m gonna surrender again! I’m gonna lay my dysfunctional ways at the Universe’s proverbial feet in hopes of deepening my faith – expanding my heart – increasing my relationship with the divine.

I’m not going to give in to safe & easy anymore. I’m gonna re-route the neuro pathways!

The weather is often less harsh in Spring & therefor, in truth, it should be far easier. But make no mistake about it. This much is true. My foundation in the Spirit was once much stronger.

So much so that I’m not sure anymore what my Yoga of late has taught me. I’m wondering even what did I ever learn under my parents wing & protection? In Sunday school? In church?

Will I be mine?

It seems that I am alone. Well not really, I have solid friends & a great family (Mr. Remarkable), but hypothetically speaking and in so far that we all are. It seems that no one can do this: thrive vs. survive thing but me.

My quagmire might be moderate but it’s a quagmire nonetheless and it’s STUBBORN. But I am drawing a line in the sand and allowing, operative word allow, this to be my rock bottom. Treading water is only attractive in so far that it is easy. And easy, I remind you – oh once ambitious one – isn’t where the glory is at.

I have been feeling a certain desperation lately and I don’t know, I don’t have the answer, but I think it’s a call to commit. Commit to answer the Universe’s call to love myself.

And so this Valentines Day (2018), I proclaim that: I love myself.

I am going to accept the responsibility to take care of myself and stop my self sabotataging ways. I am going to try my best, against the odds. To honor love and respect me. All me. The good, the bad & the ugly.

But I ask: How do I commit? How do I put action behind these words? Can I really draw a line in the sand? How is today any different from two weeks ago? Two months ago? Two years ago? Or five for that matter??

I dunno. I just have to believe. Believe in the power of love.

Time to talk

It’s still “Time to Talk” somewhere…

And so I further share many people are most comfortable talking to me personally and I find that extremely worthy/valuable. But isn’t it really most curious about societies comfort level. I find it FASCINATING in fact???

That shared, although most fortunate & grateful for my connections, I am often saddened that people – the majority, in fact – feel that they need to hide their trials & tribulations and I struggle with how “private”, a.k.a. kept on the DL (down-low) undercover, our intimate conversations are.

It motivates me frankly to be all the more open (which mind you is both alienating & I reiterate sadly alienates) to show that there is no shame in very vunerable. IMO it is often most meaningful!

In large part even though this (new & improved) feed of mine is still in the beginning stages, it has been ruminated over for years, I make an important mention today. You may read/ deliberate/ remember on your own and not respond w/ a comment or a like AND that is o-kay BUT I ask you to pls consider this: mental health to quote my cousin about a recent teenage suicide in her community “is clearly a multi-layered issue with no clear path to help….except communication”.

So I encourage you to help me, help us bust the Stigma. Reduce the isolation & shame and challenge you to communicate even if you feel uncomfortable.

*Note to reader: This was originally posted on Instagram with the (UK) hashtag #timetotalk. You can find me @jessicakaushik for smaller FUN stuff.

I yield to God

Warning: The following is highly personal & daily LOVE from one of many fearless leaders blogging today

I yield to God or at least I think I can. How well or not well one knows one another has little bearing in SM (Social Media) IMO. Matters little where care/concern, voices/truths are expressed/considered. But alas there in lies my problem with the crickets (I LOVE your hearts): so much is wasted largely on part of keeping up with the Jone’s and FOMO (fear of missing out).

It’s a much more powerful tool than we allow. Try as I might to make it a better tool. A tool that I both need and want. A complete luxury, I am aware WordPress. You have my permission to go ahead & crown ME.

But ppl, you ppl, are so much better than Google in a land with few Western or English resources. I post here to work things out and am most grateful that you listen but I’d really like to chat more with you; listen to your advice.

Maybe look at my naivety this way? ATM moment for all intents and purposes I am nobody & have done little. I might have 1000 friends/followers between FB, IG & WP – some are duplicates – and that’s GREAT. Really great!

But Leo, The Nerdy Lion, here is most right!

All my blogging, posts, replies & personal and intimate emails (writing) with friends etc.. have been enough. I have found my Voice. I need not look ANY further.

I have most everything that I need besides your chirping lol and so I declined a suggestion to learn how to speak from the Heart (which I am to do in my writing) by taking a class. I’m just gonna write the fcuking book.

There I said it.

Now I have to do it! <inject utter & daunting fear> MVMB, now I have fear… If you follow me here – you know: vulnerability is my path.

I need not be normal nor popular. And I do not have the desire for approval nor recognition. Certainly nobody needs to give me permission. 🙂

But I do desperately desire to know if what concerns me resonates or makes one think or is supportive. It effects the keeping up with the Jone’s and the FOMO’s – a well known human behavior. But it took me so many years to understand that I do have it, because many of you that I follow here or elsewhere or have read etc. (you get the point) have it! So #thankyou.

I deeply thank you for your existence because, and I quote Dani Shapiro, it’s our job, our responsibility (good word responsibility), perhaps even our sacred calling to take whatever life has handed us.

Easier is NOT Recovery

I don’t need to tell you – but I’m going to, it’s a hard knock life!

Like I made mention Tuesday was it? I am allowing the housework to still get to ME. Yes “allow”. Yes poor “me”. (Lol. Pity me not. I’m really spoiled rotten <White, American, comfortably unemployed… this list goes on> and just having a moment. In large part due the stress, the work that I create for myself, that will pass when I get this off my chest.)

I’m just not used to it & I had other plans for January. A little thing called 2018… Damn expectations! Looks like many a thing will be put ON HOLD until Spring.

And I don’t know about you but, as a consequence, it’s so much more ?enjoyable, is that the right word – that can’t be the right word, to do what is …easier! Ah the right word is that dirty little word “easier”. So let’s just be clear shall we? (For my sake, not yours.) Easier is not recovery. Easier is NOT mindfulness. But my point, about enjoyable, is that sometimes easier bring a levity/joy that we all need.

Nonetheless it reminds me of a quote that I just stumbled on & is now irking me – like the word irks? (I do) – ATM; …winners do daily what losers refuse to do. Or a better one, on my son’s school tee in fact (gotta love a good school) …Winners train & Losers complain.

What I don’t understand is why am I such a Loser? I love life. In fact I LOVE MY LIFE! Have v little to complain about, but in some ways I am complaining here. Read on & in a sec you’ll see why!

I clearly see that I still at 44 have a lot to work out. That is not a problem – the problem is with that I must put away the #negative selftalk (‘cuz I drank three glasses of wine last night, at this fragile time, I know better so this morning I’m a little fuzzy and I feel like a Loser – I’m smarter than that, not stronger) but like the adage – old habits die hard – it’s easy to beat myself up!

It was so v unrealistic of me to think one would cut the edge. ONE never cuts the edge!

It tastes and feels so good, most – if your like me – go for two. Or, shame on me, three last night. Yeah, okay – okay it’s not the end of the world, it was only three, but it was the wrong “break” to take. It was not in my best interest nor self care – which I need the more time for right now to be a G.O.L.F., Goddess of Light & Fun.

After all these years – I really know better <insert sigh> but to my point; I did what was easier.

And now, after another restless night, my activity online has been excessive this week and I am as impulsive as, well, always. Just feel like I am back to ground zero – because I tossed and turned beating myself up – up down, up down, up down… and now I feel like I am back to ground zero – because I tossed and turned beating myself up, which is mania really. Up down, up down, up down… that’s making me SAD. And I’m so v afraid of sad!

Ironically I am starting a cleanse today that I forgot Rahul & I had planned (that’s also not v mindful but damn if I don’t use this gift of a cleanse to think) and I cleaned the house yesterday so we’d have little to do today – so we could just enjoy a mindless family day on the PS4 and slow down this mania.

Wish me & my small nucleus luck? Mr. Remarkable has been working so v hard for him, his team, me/us, work lately – he needs a good funday & we all know remarkable boy wonder deserves it! And I/we really can’t afford a slip/setback at the moment.

I’m a REAL Princess

Drum roll please? …I’ve decided not to keep my Pen Name, Princess Marksalot. Not to bore you but, while I mourn through it, I’d like to share again that it did have meaning.

One of my Grandmothers, sweet Gma Kay, was an albeit far – lol – descendant of American Indian royalty (so that makes me a REAL Princess) and in Architecture School amongst other more figurative aspects of my life – I’m an editor. As embarrassing as it is, I never mustered a professional grade balsa wood model but I was voted most poetic. 🤗

And, those that follow me closely know that I’m always neurotically editing my Social Media posts, my blogs etc.. So I’ll give you a little insight. (I love being an open book.) I don’t think anything is ever FINAL – and as a Creative constantly designing… as if life’s demonstrable motto is, and everything that I do, an ever evolving work of Art – dare I say masterpiece???

Yeah, I know that that might sound a ‘lil grandiose (I am bipolar & I didn’t sleep much last night) but am most comfortable w/ that so feel free to sprinkle rainbow fairy dust on me, will ya??? I also love using a proverbial eraser ✏️ and the lead smudges that come with it. So do you get it now? Marks a lot???

Further I’m all abt Kintsugi pottery, hence the picture here. If you don’t know, as told by the Modern Gypsy: “Kintsugi is the Japanese art of mending broken objects using gold or silver epoxy. The Japanese believe that when something has suffered damage (and suffer mental damage I did/do) and has a history (that we all do too), it becomes more beautiful”. I see ME, my motto, really the same thing… so maybe I should have been Princess Kintsugi, always in a state of “golden repair”, but it’s kinda too late to change as I’ve been branded.

Those that matter will stay. Those that hate it will unfollow me. And that’s a-okay b/c I aim to show you that I care!! …get it marks a lot (of people). Quick – somebody call a doctor? I am delusional. 😂 😂 😂 I’ll shut up after I say this: it’s all so v personal – how to recover from Mental Illness, there is NO Cure! We’re all so v different.

Make me not belabor you but remind you of a little thing called DNA… So for those of you reading this that do not suffer, as poorly, mentally. We all suffer some IMO. We desperately need to get comfortable with this uncomfortable space.

We all really need to get past our insecurities, is that the right word, fear might be a better word… and talk abt Mental Health to bust the stigma. So say Goodbye to Princess Marksalot, with me – will ya?

I mean well. 🙏 your new & improving, Jessica Kaushik

The Devil is in the (Mental Health) detail, Mies

Don’t ask me why, but (I’m trying to use the word “but” less these days) I prefer to do things the HARD way. The very hard way!

I.e. It wasn’t until most recent years, and I just turned forty-four (44) that I learned to appreciate how our great big beautiful world works. How friends & family, including friends of friends and friends of family, can give you a ‘step up’, help you with that often ever so hard rung on the ladder.

If you can imagine I preferred to do things alone. ME, myself and I. It’s not that I’m not a collaborator. I am. I won’t use a superlative but most creatives need to be… it’s just that I never needed, scratch that – wanted – help. …I should clarify, the type of help that could maybe get one a job that one isn’t really qualified for.

…But now, @44, I am so very over “ME, myself & I” (if you have this/that neurosis – I encourage you to just STOP while your ahead & get over it now too), which brings me to the thought of the evening, It’s 1:04am where I am (I’m drinking coffee), and although I’ve written about the under cover agents/ physicians/ policemen that have haunted me in the past (Note to Reader: Maybe see https://beingbipolarisnteasy.com/2014/09/07/4cici/) there have also been angels, including President’s of the United States of America.

Yep!? That’s how bad this sh*t has gotten in the past), that have – are you sitting down? – stalked me. …Ooooooooooh! She just said it?!?!?!!? Ooooooooooh…………. is Princess Marksalot’s next mission to find out who her stalkers were/are?

And RED FLAG! RED FLAG!! …did she just use the word “are”?????

Fudge.

Mr. Remarkable, Honey, if your now on the other side of the world reading this, there’s NO need to panic and hop on a plane to come rescue me as you tried a few short weeks ago, but it’s true. Very true.

You may as well know THE TRUTH! I am so broken that ever since the very beginning in the Nation’s Capitol when I ran into George Washington Hospital, was it?, kicking & screaming “Protect ME, Protect my family”… you know the drill (Reader’s I elude to that fateful day often here in my posts) all of my MAJOR EPISODES and I guess very small ones, like we are experiencing now revolve around me being stalked.

Yes, that’s a fighting word. And a pretty legal term at that! It’s just that it breaks my heart to report that since that Labor Day weekend in 1999 or whatever (I can’t be bothered to cross-check & be most accurate ATM) …if I comes up in a Court of Law, I have the year. I remember the faces. The pendant… not!

Sadly, I CANNOT remember that pendant AND I desperately want to!!! The Activist & ever so Fashionista in me WANTS to wear a “pendant” of her own.

If I were a betting woman, I’d say it was GOLD! Solid gold. Every pun intended. (Note to reader: At the very least, I’d like to recover the DIY stained glass that I painted while talking to the pendant; I mean Art Support Staff. …like that’s ever gonna happen.)

But I digress. I’m not going to share my secret’s/ connections/ links via psychotic associations ATM, maybe not publically nor privately maybe not ever – a girl’s gotta hold onto something – rather (notice how I didn’t say “but” – insert grin) poke around here if your interested. Dappled in this blog are myriads of sites that I follow. Love Wiki. And/or some of my Hero’s, big & small – known and unkown.

Outside of these pictures that I often pilfer off the Internet, to visually articulate the title of my posts, I try very hard to give credit where credit is due.

That said. This, above, is a picture of my own. You can tell by the fingerprints. :) By the lot of marks. Ha! That’s a stretch. …Marksalot. I crack myself up & can be so v unintentionally cryptic. A beautiful ‘invisible single display book shelf’ from Barnes & Noble for less than 4USD.

Sadly, if you want one (1) of your own, you’ll have to run to the nearest store – as they were marked down 75% in the gift section in recent months.

It is a great way to make utterly beautiful Art. One just has to spend their money on the books! How very clever and poetic is the man/woman that came up with the idea. I hope he/she is absofuckinglutely rich by now. I have that their muse is wealthy…

I managed to acquire four (4). For ME. The lucky ME!

For a set of Edward Tufte’s four (4) graphic related books. Four (4) of these https://www.edwardtufte.com/tufte/books_vdqi. Saw somewhere; too tired to look for the link tonight but somewhere the Tufte organization makes a recommendation for his top four (4) best sellers, I guess.

Must publish this now & order them right quick! My mama wants me to “go back to bed”!?!?!?!? <insert sigh> She’s right.

Peace out people. /\

Everything is NOT enough

So, get this? 

After ten (10) plus years I was hospitalized, again!? And all because Mr. Remarkable was in China. By no fault of our own, we’ve been involuntarily separated since mid July?! So as you can see, my husband wasn’t around to see me slip, in person. I don’t intend to offend anyone, but make light like a feather, as in the looney bin for 5 (five) days!?!?!?!?!?!? <insert a BIG frown> 

And so, here – with this photo (he was so v nice to comply), I take/took back my power! I did not “unite”/bond really with any of the other mentally ill patients. Was afraid to talk to them, really. Gather I shouldn’t say that! But most were hearing voices & secluded themselves to their, shared, rooms. It was really REALLY sad.

You can trust however that I did try to reach many. But they were fairly unreachable!?!? Did I mention that it was sad? Entirely depressing…

I did however meet a REALLY stand up guy! David. (Note to reader: I think it okay to use his real name here – in case he ever reads this, although it’s against my blogwide policy.) Trust, I’ll never see him again!! Which is really hard b/c like I said: he was a really stand up guy. Caught in a similar, but not, situation at the same time in Seven Hills (Las Vegas) to detox. It was serendipitous. 

Mental Health institutions (is a Psychiatric Hospital an institution?) are tricky and although I’d like to help him along his recovery, I cannot. It would have been selfish of me to leave a call back number when I called to say “it was nice meeting you”. Even though I do need friends, that I can touch, while here on an extended holiday in Las Vegas. 

God help me make friends in Las Vegas!? It’d be good to get out of the house more often…

But, I digress. David, if your listening, I respect & admire you! Your (bipolar) mom should be proud. I pray that giving up the sauce will unite you more intimately with others. Alcoholism is an albeit common but more importantly lonely disease. Hence the problem, I gather. I pray that your estranged twenty (20) something year old daughter let’s you in. Try to get in? I imagine that part of your rehabilitation is for your relationship w/ her?? Operative word, your! You gotta do this for yourself! 

Finally, I’ll close by saying: (Chopra is often right.)  I trust if you look for God in other, healthier/wealthier, places you’ll find him or her. Good luck! Xx

Accep(s)tance

Acceptance

 

Note to reader: And this was written a whole two (2) years ago. Couldn’t tell you when?! #sigh I love a good time stamp.

. . .

I learned to be grateful for Macau the hard way! L.R. Knost reminded ME of that: “Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and awful it’s ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.”

 

It’s the “ordinary and mundane and routine” that I have struggled with being an expat in Macau! To digress, it’s the reason that I think I drink. Outside the pollution, Macau isn’t all that bad!! I am most grateful to not have to wear a facemask like many routinely do in Beijing…

 

I have already spoken about not being able to communicate to the locals; I was learning Hindi to speak to my in-laws upon arrival, so I never picked up Cantonese. To date, I can say maybe three (3) words after four (4) years?! You can trust that I use them a lot! Good Morning = Jo Sun. Hello = Ni Hao. And Thank you = Um Goi Sai. …I am most grateful for Google Translate! You would be too if you lived here! There are too many characters in the Chinese alphabet to count.

 

IF you are following ME on Facebook, on the BP Magazine page, you’ll note that I have mentioned that my five (5) year old son cannot run on the grass in the local parks but what I didn’t mention is that we have a lovely resort that we can take a soccer ball to play with on a beautiful lawn after a lovely Sunday brunch. In retrospect, we don’t do that enough as it’s it next to a VERY polluted beach. <Insert sigh> Yes, we have beach, sounds exotic but it’s not, but I will not allow our family to go in the water!

 

This one (1) time & only one (1) time we went to see a play. For my birthday, my husband took ME to see a play about the mentally ill to inspire ME in writing my own story, a Screenplay, an autobiography. My (embellished) autobiography in which I hope to, for the first time admit by blurring the lines of reality, provide an insider’s guide to the inner working of one BP mind and not the events as they passed.

 

Am now I am living a life practically, not entirely unlike John Nash, free from the ‘agents’ that were following ME and my conspiracies in the USA!

 

But if I am honest a neurological pathway has been eroded and still, some days I see t-shirts, most are in English, and I think that they are wearing it for ME!? And while I am being honest, sometimes I take note of neighboring apartments, one in particular, with their lights on in the middle of the night when my insomnia hits & I question, repeatedly, is there someone in there on an assignment watching ME?!

 

And then I check to see if I took my medication and remind myself that it is only ME that is doing the watching! Gratefully I can live with it now; it does not drive ME crazy anymore. It’s not weird, nor scary. It’s my new normal… a breathtakingly beautiful take on ME & my “ordinary” reality.